A Voice Is To Be Used, Not Stifled.

Hesitant hands hover over the keyboard, heart thumps as the blank screen awaits, fresh for new ideas to be displayed in the form of 26 letters in new unique compositions. A frantic intake of oxygen, followed by a brief exhalation. Eyes swiftly close, to be reopened in a wave of fear.

The constraint of the inability to post freely. The hand over my mouth has become more prominent and uncomfortable.

My words are censored, carefully selected.

What was once such an easy task is debilitating. The tedious process of filtering information regarding my life into suitable sentences and sets of photographs. What was once a fun, light hearted activity has become a stress inducing exercise.

The fear consumes my soul. It has for many months. The frequent inactivity gnaws my bones. I know I must post regularly, simply due to my own desire to do so. Yet this desire is rarely translated onto the screen or the page. Fear appears regularly, eating up the keyboard and ripping up the pages in a terror induced rampage.

Slumped against the chair, hands pressed against the face. A sigh of dejection and a quick shake of hair are the only physical signs of the turmoil.

A stretch of the limbs and a deep exhale from lungs attempting to avoid the fear lingering in the room. I must remember the reason for starting this blog. I must recall the happiness instilled in my being by this blog. Remembering I have a voice. A voice is to used, not stifled. 

I avoided posting about my emotions on my blog since September 2015. I wanted to be a different person but we can't simply deny vital components to our identity. Instead of joy, I felt anxious when even writing a post, breaking into a fear-induced sweat - thinking about what others thought.

The title of this blog is The Random Life of Aveen. It is my life, my thoughts, my events, my musings, my emotions. My own personal platform which I have not utilised as much as I should have as of late.

I turned my back on my identity. Trying to 'fit in' and 'blend in' is something you should never do. A lack of time caused some posts to be written but a lack of accepting my own emotions caused 90% of the posts not being posted.

We all need a support network, a place to voice our opinions and to be ourselves. I've had to accept that I am in fact a blogger - something I like a lot. I can't change that. It is a part element of the composition of my identity.

I questioned my identity for many months after starting college. I struggled with being a student, student-teacher, blogger, friend and many more persona's, yet as I type these words, I feel a weight lift. To deny oneself of their identity is a shame.

 I am a writer and a blogger. I feel through words, my comfort comes from the 26 letters comprising of our alphabet. It's my method of making sense of the world, and a blog is another addition of that.

A blog is for voicing our true, genuine thoughts, feelings and emotions. A blog is not for pretending every element of our lives is perfect. A blog is a platform where we should feel enabled to speak with confidence, our words booming and ricocheting across the Internet, not whispering meekly because we're afraid of insulting a person in real life.

It happened to me personally that I was given grief due to the content of my posts in 'real life.' It's an experience that taught me that we must be truthful to ourselves. If we post something that aggravates another, we generally are being truthful.

I have decided to take the plunge once more and post more personal content on The Random Life of Aveen. Several posts I posted as of late have felt so lack lustre, empty and devoid of content and emotion.

It's time to change that. 

Wave goodbye to the posts of poor content and airbrushed emotions.

 Say welcome back to the truthful, gritty posts where I actually discuss my emotions and actions. 

The Third Birthday of The Random Life of Aveen!

Well, well, well. How time flies! 

I'm sitting in my room in Limerick typing this blog post. I'm going to the First Year Ball tonight, listening to The 1975's new album and looking out upon a sun drenched quad on campus.  

Three years ago, I started The Random Life of Aveen. I was nearly 16-and-a-half, (you can't forget that half, differentiation is vital!) I was in the middle of Transition Year, ironically struggling to transition to becoming a different person. I genuinely believe TRLOA helped influence this change in a positive manner. 

I sat down to type this post and thought of how my life is practically parallel to how it was when I was sixteen. I now understand that no person can ever be happy for every minute of their lives, but that we should give it our best effort to remain positive with regards to every aspect of our lives. When I was sixteen, I thought everyone was happy, except me. A couple of years in the real life has told me that we hide a lot of things, and more importantly, it's okay not to be 'happy' for every second of our lives. This is reality, reality is not perfect. 

I was unsure of who I was when I was sixteen. I had a rough idea of who I wanted to be. I wanted to try change the world - to make it a better place. I'm taking initial and tentative steps towards that goal. I'm studying to become a primary school teacher, something I could only dream about three years ago. 

I started this blog while on a 'low' which I tried to disguise by focusing on the positives in my life. The meaning behind my blog has changed more now to posting my thoughts, musings and updates of my life but we must always remember where we came from. I'm still eternally grateful that people read my blog. Last weekend I hit 70,000 page views, something I could only ever dream of three years ago. 

I realised I don't post as often as I used to - or as much as I would prefer. I check my stats when I can. I realised that my page views have stayed at quite a high level despite my inactivity. It's heart warming to see that you lovely readers haven't left and there's new readers reading my older posts, in particular posts regarding the Leaving Cert or the Gaeltacht. I may have moved on from the LC to third level, yet I find it lovely that there's still people reading those posts, hopefully gaining some support or guidance. 

Aveen x

''I'm Not Too Sure What I've Become, But I Tried As Hard As Anyone''

Hey Everyone!

I guess I'm back posting on my blog. The past couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least. On the 19th of November (yes that long ago!) I fell ill and it steadily went downhill from there. We think that the illness affected me more than it should have due to my weakened immune system due to overworking. I ended up with the awful 'flu virus' that's going around.

My symptoms were quite awful really. Soaring temperatures, a sore throat, aches and pains all over, along with my favourite of all and the symptom which kept me down for so long, fatigue. We all say we're exhausted after a long, difficult day in school or work, but nothing compares to the fatigue I experienced. (As I'm usually the one saying I'm tired)

Getting from my room to the sitting room was like climbing a mountain every day. I missed a lot of days of school and after various trips to the doctors and various medical certificates, I was told that I was to rest, and under no circumstances try do any homework or study. (Bear in mind this was the Saturday and I had my locker keys in my handbag to go get books from my locker to catch up on my missed work.) So for the past week and more I've been doing very little. I mainly stayed in bed watching Game of Thrones, as I was too exhausted to do anything. (I was half-way through Season 1 before I started, now I'm half way through Season 3, oops)

Yesterday (December 1st) and today I've started leaving the house! Today I think truly marks my 'recovery' as I look and feel much more alert and energised. My Mam politely told me that for the past couple of weeks I'd looked ''as if you'd been embalmed'' ie in a coffin with a waxy complexion.  I frightened myself a lot looking in the mirror as, my normally tanned/darkish face, was as white as a sheet and looked waxy with illness.

I've missed Christmas exams, an absolute rarity for me. I've never missed a test in my life. Yet, I'm grateful this illness struck now instead of during my mocks or even my Leaving Cert. When I think of it, I had been working far too hard and had been stressing myself far, far too much than I should have. This has definitely been a learning experience that I shouldn't be overworking myself with school work, I need some 'me' time once in a while. And to take regular breaks and try avoid doing over 8 hours of homework and study over the weekend (That was over two days by the way) So I'm going to tone it down a little, or at least make sure I take regular breaks, exercise and get enough sleep (something I hadn't in a while)

My lesson that I learned? To take care of myself better. To try stop stressing over every little thing in my life, get more sleep and set out time for myself and try take more regular breaks from the books. The Leaving Cert is a marathon, not a sprint. All of us students need to take care of ourselves and try living instead of existing. This year has/is been tough, but I'm determined to finish with flying colours.

Stay Strong, Happy & Fearless!

Aveen xx

*Lyrics The Coronas ~ The Long Way.

Ps Happy 21st Birthday to my brother, enjoy the day! :D

Fat Shaming & Skinny Shaming.

So this blog post has taken a lot of time, effort and thought to write. I would have written this sooner however, with great indecision I delayed writing this post, until now.

I suppose I am known for controversy on this blog, however this subject is deeply personal for me and has been an extremely negative part of my life for as long as I can remember so these are my views, and you may not like them. (And that's okay, we are all so diverse)


I've been reading a lot of blog posts recently about ''skinny shaming'' and how unfair it is to smaller framed people. It's not right, however, I'd like to mention fat shaming and how I have experienced so much of it as a young child and into early adolescence. I was never the thinnest child around the age of 9 or 10, but I would never have been classed as ''fat or obese'' medically. Yet I was by my peers. I experienced such awful abuse at a young age for being ''too big'' yet when we're children, particularly girls aged around 10 or 11, the majority of them are pudgy.

I had such little self-confidence until around the age of sixteen-and-a-half due to this and various other factors. I used to loathe buying clothes, as I would never be wearing a size 8 or 10. I remember a girl in my year during Transition Year talking about her size moaning that ''I'm actually a size 6, but my ass is an 8'' and sighing as if it was a global calamity.

My self-confidence increased when I started writing here on this little blog, yet also with having a growth spurt and thinning out a little. It's the same for a lot of girls. I think it's scary how we place so much self-worth into how others perceive us, instead of our talents and skills. I love school and do well in subjects, but for many, that wouldn't matter, only my looks would. I think this ideology is in a way, terrifying. Many focus on their exterior selves much more than their interior selves. I ask you, what is the point of being beautiful on the inside and be ugly on the inside from putting others down?

Of course it is perfectly fine to care about how you look. I always do something with my hair in particular. Whether I straighten it and put a cute bow or wear a huge doughnut bun. I like to make an effort. But it's when it consumes you and you forget about what's on the inside.

So this brings me back onto skinny and fat shaming. It shouldn't happen full stop. But I feel that I've been reading so many blog posts about SKINNY SHAMING, and nobody will speak out against fat shaming, which I experienced for such a long time during an important time of psychological development as a young girl. I'm better now, I even take OOTD's and take selfies, for fun. I don't hide any more. I stand up tall and wear skinny jeans all the time.

 But girls have to stop putting each other down based on their size, appearance, body shape or even hair style. Just because someone isn't the same body shape as you, doesn't give you the right to call them out on it. I'm 5''8 with curves and hips. A lot of girls have an athletic figure or all sorts of figures, just because they're different doesn't mean you should tell them they're ''weird'' or even ''fat'' It's just disgusting and shows contempt and ignorance (in the context of lack of knowledge) on your behalf.

I think at times that society has conditioned us to believe that unless you have the ''perfect'' body, you have nothing. Excuse me, but I would rather have good grades than a flat stomach (but having both would be preferable!) We've all become so accustomed to seeing Size Zero models on the runways, airbrushed on magazines and on television. I often wonder, if a regular sized girl was to appear on a runway, would she be called normal or would she be considered the awful F word? It's definitely food for thought.

On a final note. Don't partake in body shaming, whether it be fat or skinny shaming. We are all unique individuals with unique experiences. Calling someone an unkind word could lower their self-confidence and esteem even further when they may already have body issues. Nobody is perfect. I've seen girls who look like models, with beautiful exterior looks, be the worst people, constantly putting others down and gossiping in the back of the classroom judging everyone on their appearance. Be kind to people. If anyone says hello to me in the corridors, I always make it a point to say hi back and ask how they are. You don't know what anyone is going through. Some days we need someone to ask how we are, or to say that they like your new hairstyle or scarf. Above all, be a good person on the inside. What goes around comes around.

Stay Strong, Happy & Fearless

Aveen xx

Supporting Aware and #BeatTheBlues Campaign

Hey Everyone!

So this blog post is a little different to the rest. Today I want to write about Aware and the brilliant services they provide to people in Ireland and how they are ''Your supporting light through depression.''

In Ireland and all over the world, mental health illnesses are common yet many people hid their illness in shame and embarrassment. It's perceived to a 'weakness of character' and a 'fatal flaw' of a person. It doesn't have to be this way, and Aware have been and still are working hard to break down this stigma that has dominated Ireland for too long.

From their website it's easy to access information about mental illness such as depression, with startling statistics that ''depression affects 450,000 in Ireland at any one time'' That is A LOT of people, it's not just a number, their real people with lives, families and friends. The website is clear and makes finding information on depression easy and has lots of useful links.

Aware also have a #BeatTheBlues campaign which is a free programme for secondary schools in Ireland. #BeatTheBlues is a positive mental health campaign for senior-cycle students in secondary school. Just last Monday I attended the programme as every Sixth Year student in my school had been attending at different times throughout the week.

I can honestly say it was two class periods well spent. We received a booklet and discussed 'The Coping Triangle'  and how to form a coping sentence from using your concerns. I found the coping sentence so effective as I'm in Sixth Year, I'm really worried about getting good test results and achieving all my goals in the Leaving Cert next June. I found that writing down my thoughts, feelings and actions so helpful to articulate my worries about school and my future.

I felt that the programme was brilliant to attend, especially early into Sixth Year, it has since alleviated my stress with studying and the breathing technique we learnt has been quite useful too. We also got to keep the booklet which I've been reading in my spare time and made me realise that I don't have to study 24/7, it's better to study effectively for a short time, rather than study badly and not absorb information for 6 hours straight. It's better to take a break and do something you want to do, like write a blog post!

Aware also have a campaign video here which features graffiti artist Hyerografx and accurately portrays how mental health is so important to us all.

In the midst of studying for exams, it's important to take time to relax and rest :) 

I hope you all enjoyed reading this blog post, if you want to find out any more information about depression or Aware, here is their website. There's lots of easily accessed information and remember, it's okay not to feel okay. 

Stay Strong, Happy & Fearless!

Aveen xx

The Worst Enemy To Creativity Is Self-Doubt ~Sylvia Plath

Hey Everyone!

This week was an utterly crazy and surreal week! I've been studying every night as my Summer Exams are starting next Tuesday *shaky laugh of fear* Due to studying I've been very quiet on the interwebs, my laptop wasn't used from Sunday until Friday evening! I guess it's good that I'm 'weaning' myself off the internet for when I'm in the Gaeltacht.

My awards ceremony in school was on Monday during school time. Basically it's awards from the school for good grades, attendance, sports, music, art, drama, public speaking and lots more. The Principal and Year Head give inspirational speeches about next year (Leaving Cert) and hand out awards whilst everyone else awkwardly claps.

It's quite difficult predicting if you'll get any awards, especially as there's over 250 students in my year all 'competing' for a limited number of awards. I was thrilled to receive 5 awards, it was a total and utter shock! I received two awards for public speaking, as I was a member of the school public-speaking team during the year. One was a little trophy from the school and one from Mental Health Ireland for participating in their public speaking competition. Another was for having a 'Star Journal' basically my journal was very tidy, another was an 'Academic' given only to the top 29 academically in the year, (I was so shocked because there's over 250 in the year) and the last award was being nominated for Student Of The Year, only ten people get nominated each year so I was screaming internally.

I was absolutely thrilled with my awards, I usually get a couple of awards each year but I felt absolutely ecstatic afterwards! Congrats to the boy and girl who won Student Of The Year (Won't name you as I didn't ask permission) you both genuinely deserve the award :D

I had some exams during the week, I had my German and Irish orals (a speaking test) during the school week which were quite stressful. It went well though, I learnt off my sraithpictiur so it went okay! My German teacher even gave me an A for my test so hopefully my written test on Tuesday will be okay.

Today I spent the morning studying, in particular Sylvia Plath for English. I only revised three poems in detail because I felt if I studied more I'd want to put my head in an oven like she did. (Bad pun I know) In honour of Plath and her poetry (which can be quite interesting but depressing)

Afterwards I went to my Cousin's Communion which was brilliant fun. There was two bouncy castle's so guess who went on both? Me, naturally. We all  had a brilliant time. My lovely Aunt gave me the Wi-Fi password so I spent the majority of the time sending snapchats and occasionally socialising.

 I titled this blog post using one of her quotes. I felt that it's a very accurate quote, self-doubt can destroy everything. It's something I suffer from a lot, worrying that I won't be ''good enough'' I feel that it's a huge problem within this current generation. We're all made to feel inadequate in all aspects of our lives, which isn't right. Even a simple awards ceremony like the one I was at this year made me worry about whether I was ''good enough'' to get any awards. I actually couldn't eat my lunch before the awards, I was that worried I'd end up with no awards and was anxious about how I would be perceived because of that.

 I think it's wrong that a girl should feel ill because she's scared she's going to fail. Why are we all trained to believe that we have to be the best and if we aren't the best we're ''failures'' or ''nothing''?  I was lucky, the odds were in my favour, but imagine my self-esteem if I didn't receive any awards? I don't like the feeling or opinion that because you didn't receive an award or the grade you desired that you're a 'failure.' I don't agree with it, especially as it's so prominent in school life. Everything is competition and you're 'inadequate' if you don't receive the best grades or if someone else gets a better mark.

 It feels like I'm in a constant rat race, everyone tries to be the best, but nobody is perfect. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Nobody is perfect, it's an impossible expectation which we are all expected to reach, and feel inadequate because no matter how hard we try, we can't be perfect. Something's got to give. The ideology that we all have to perfect is ridiculous and causes further stress and anxiety, in particular to students. It's a marathon, not a sprint which is something everyone needs to remember.

So that's about it from me this week, I'll be spending the rest of the weekend studying, thankfully my exams begin on Tuesday and end on Thursday, then the summer holidays begin then I'm gone for three weeks to speak Irish in Galway, oops. 

 If you're doing exams, best of luck! You'll be grand!

Stay Strong, Happy & Fearless!

Aveen xx

Photo's from my week!

Selfie with my cousin..

I stole my brother's phone and sent snapchats to all his friends.. 

Selfie with The Sibling. I hope I got better genes.. ;)

Beside one of the bouncy castles!

My awards from the awards ceremony. *cries because shock*

One of my snaps

A random selfie with Dad. I think he'll have to practise the whole selfie thing.. 

Source

“This moment will just be another story someday.”

Hey Everyone!

So it's nearly the end of the first full week of 2014! *Accidentally types 2013* I had a very relaxing week as I'm not back in school yet (that's tomorrow, sadly) The week is a bit of a blur in reality, but has been quite enjoyable. 

The title of this blog post is from the book ''The perks of being a wallflower'' by Stephen Chbosky which I got for Christmas. I read the book all this week, I'd definitely recommend it, I cried reading the end of the book. Overall it was brilliant and I'm looking forward to watching the film soon. I didn't want to be too cheesy and use the quote ''And in that moment, I swear we were infinite'' as I feel it's extremely overused sadly.

I watched Sherlock on Sunday evening and I even made a YouTube video about my reaction to Season 3 episode one (link is here, if you're brave) as I'm a huge Sherlockian! I thoroughly enjoyed the episode, it was perfection! 

On another note, I received a DM on Twitter from a lovely girl (who I won't name) who heard me speaking at the public speaking competition I was in about mental health and related to some of the things I said, as soon as I read the DM, I started crying! She also has read my blog (HELLO!) and said that my blog was inspiring. I'm not posting this to brag I promise, I was just so shocked that a person listened & related to what I said/have written on my blog, it really took me by surprise. Thank you. I always find other people inspiring and always wanted to inspire people, I never thought anyone in the world actually took me seriously, ever. 

On Saturday, I went to badminton for the first time this year and afterwards had a Sherlock marathon with my friend Vivien! We eventually took out FredOrGeorge (my tripod) and posed with Harry Styles! We had a great afternoon watching Sherlock and posing with Harry Styles. 

During the Christmas sales I also bought some things online which finally arrived on Thursday & Friday! (Photos are below) I haven't worn/used all the clothes and bag yet but I'm looking forward to! 

Sorry for the brevity of this blog post, I can't seem to write a lot at the moment no matter how hard I try. Hopefully when I'm back in school I'll be in the frame of mind to be able to write more! It could also be the fact that I'm watching the Dan and Phil show online *drools over Dan* and that Sherlock is on in 45 minutes... 

Myself and Vivien posing with Harry!

FOOOD! 

I think someone has their eye on Harry *coughs awkwardly*

My reactions to Allegiant...

*end of the book* 

Some of the things I ordered on the Roxy site, I bought the hoody in one of the clothes shops in town (Half price sale wahey) and the top online

I also bought a Hollister top and hoodie (don't judge me, it was free shipping!)

The lovely bag I bought on the Roxy site, I literally can't wait to use it! 

Ps. I bought these items with my own money.Hollister and Roxy did not pay me or anything, this is just me fangirling over Christmas sales!) :) 

So that's it from me!

Tomorrow I'll be braving the school corridors again for the first time in like 3 weeks :( 

I call it peasant fighting but oh well

too late to take that back 

oh well

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless!

Aveen xx

OOTD, YouTube Collabs, Public Speaking & Taking Selfies In The Rain!

Hey Everyone!

You may have noticed I didn't post on my blog, to which I say, my most sincere and genuine apologies. Last weekend and week was just crazily busy, I didn't have enough time to blink! So I decided not to post for a week. However I'm back now, I've another week of school, then it's MIDTERM! There is a god. 

Last week I was really busy with school work and study. Last weekend I had to write a 4 page English essay about Sylvia Plath, an Irish essay about under-age drinking (yes, I had to actually write it in Irish!) I also had to write a two minute speech about how ''Hope has the audacity to reach a hand into darkness and come out with a handful of light'' along with study for tests and all sorts. So I was very busy!

I wrote the English essay on Friday evening before I went to Irish club. The result was that I kept thinking in English and not Irish which really annoyed me. I stayed up late that night doing maths homework. The next morning I woke up at 7.30 am to start writing the Irish essay, which I finished by 9 and went to badminton at 10 am till 12. I rushed home, had lunch and went to my friend Tara's house for a party for her 17 th birthday! 

We all had a great time at Tara's. It was a relaxing, enjoyable party, we all sat in the sitting room eating ''crap'' as we call it (crisps, chocolate and drinking fizzy drinks) and watched 3 movies in all. (The Lovely Bones, The Woman in Black and Taken) I had a great time so thank you Tara and again, happy belated birthday! 

Sunday was more of a sombre day. A neighbour/one of my primary school teachers passed away so my family and I paid our respects at the wake in her house. R.I.P You will be sorely missed. Afterwards, shedding some tears, I had to start writing my speech about how ''Hope has the audacity to reach a hand into darkness and come out with a handful of light'' Which was for a ''speak off' between myself and 8 other classmates for 4 places on the school public speaking team.

We had to speak for two minutes in front of the teachers who were judging and of course, our fellow peers. Along with the two minute speech, we were subsequently asked to speak for another 30 seconds, WITHOUT our notes. I got up nervously and spoke about my experiences during TY and of my own mental health issues, and how hope was/is always there. Like Emily Dickinson wrote ''Hope is the thing with feathers, that sings the tune without the words, and never stops -at all-'' and embarrassingly, I started crying. Smooth move. However I recovered within seconds and continued with extra passion. 

The next day we were told who was chosen to be on the public speaking team. To my immense shock, I was picked! Me! That socially awkward girl with the blog and YouTube. It felt like a huge breakthrough for me. I always loved the debates in English class however, I felt confident now. I could now speak out loud for the first time without fear. I hate speaking out in class or wherever as I feel so open to insults and I was never quite a fan of the limelight, preferring to stay in the shadows. 

This week wasn't as hectic as last week thankfully. I didn't get as much written homework (which I've now finished) I have a lot of study however, Irish, Ag Science, History and more, due to midterm tests. Fun. I've studied already for Irish and Business which is a good sign. Tomorrow I'll study History, Ag Science and Irish and perhaps German if I have the time. 

But today was a great day! (Saturday) I went to badminton, then rushed home in the pouring rain to have lunch. I subsequently went down town to meet up with my friends Grace and Vivien. We hung out down town for a while, taking photos for their English project and complaining about the rain. Vivien had to go home so Grace and I went to my house, drank from Starbucks mugs (minus the actual Starbucks) and ate Oreo's. We also made a really random YouTube video which I'll let you know when is posted! It was my first ever collab video for YouTube and was so funny to make! (Photos from the day are below!)

So, next week is the last school week before midterm. It only seems like yesterday I was shaking in the assembly on the first day of Fifth Year when the guidance counsellor told us we had to do at least three hours of work and study a night! (I usually end up doing 4 or so!) So I will have a week off, thankfully!

You might not know but my Mum and I are obsessed with Halloween! The house looks epic at Halloween, I often compare it to Hogwarts at Halloween! So I'm going to try fit in a special blog post dedicated to Halloween! 

Playlist for this blog post:

The entire Paramore album (their latest self-titled album) I haven't listened to the album in nearly a month, it's probably why I'm feeling really happy and calm!

LINK! This is a recent collab video I made with the lovely Grace from Dainty Sprinkles! 

My Week In Photos!

The photo my friend Grace of Dainty Sprinkles posted on Instagram !

I don't like rain..

Smile!

Viv and I sheltering from the rain..

Selfies in the rain, only in Ireland. 

Grace's OOTD!

My OOTD! (The reason for my very ''optimistic'' face is the rain, it was POURING down!)

I'm wearing navy jeans from Penneys (Primark) 

Pink Converse,

 handbag ~ Roxy,

 hoody ~ Diesel, 

top ~ Roxy 

also posted a YouTube video today! I will trying to post more during the midterm, subscribe to find out when I post more! Here's the LINK 

That's about it from me this week!

Hope you're all doing well and not too tired from the stresses of school!

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

Alone, not lonely.

Hey Everyone!

So it's the end of another tiring week. I knew Fifth Year would be exhausting, but not this much. One thing I don't like about Fifth Year is that you do lots of work and time consuming activities but I can't really write about any of them as they're deemed (by me) to be too boring and lack luster. Oh well, I can live like a hermit for a couple of years, it won't kill me.

I had a few tests during the week and I was happy with my results. I had a free double German and study afterwards so I let my mind wander and wrote a poem (Not depressing or sinister I swear, it's quite optimistic believe it or not!)

Something else of interest to me was the fact that people in my year in school read/know of my blog?! I know I post links to my Twitter & Tumblr, however I didn't think people would actually read my random musings? This has made me feel slightly more cautious and conservative about what I express here (I wasn't really outspoken here to begin with) as for some reason I feel more comfortable sharing my views/life with random strangers than with my peers in education? It's a strange thing really, I feel more comfortable sharing everything with ''strangers'' however I don't feel all you lovely readers are strangers though! You are all a part of my life now, and support me by commenting, emailing and tweeting me. Even by reading this, I feel I nearly know you.

I know some people consider people who read their blogs ''their fan base'' however I consider you all my friends and people I would like to know properly some day in the future. It's easier to tell someone who won't judge you what's going on in your life rather than telling someone who knows you and may judge you for every single world you utter. I was talking to a real life friend of mine about making more YouTube videos because of being offered the partnership and everything, so hopefully in the weeks to come I will record a new video. Wahey.

So that's about it from me for this week. Next week should be more interesting as I'm going to see Othello with my English class on Thursday, September 26th, along with other things going on that day. Should I mention that this might be my last blog post as a sixteen year old?! DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Dramatic ending. Yes, it's my birthday on Thursday and I'll be seventeen! Wow, that was a quick year wasn't it? I think my blog is nearing it's six month old birthday then too! *Counting when I first starting properly blogging on a weekly basis, not my mediocre attempts!*

Playlist for this blog post:
The Strypes ~ Blue Collar Jane
The Strypes ~ Mystery Man
Kodaline ~ One Day
Kodaline ~ Brand New Day
Kodaline ~ Pray

*It was a Kodaline day for me today!

.

A photo from my ''Room Tour'' on the JOALLAP collab blog I'm part of! Find it here!

Here's a photo I saw on Carrie Shade's 'Against Suicide' page, I think it's so truthful and accurate.

So that's about it from me this week!

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless!

Aveen xx

My ''poem'' wahey

Alone, not lonely. 

I am alone, not lonely. 

Sitting in class, on the outskirts. 

The crowd everywhere but near me.

I sit, silent and diligent.

In my own, perfect world.

For being lonely would imply I desire company.

I am alone, on my own terms

and above all, my decision and choice.

I am not alone, with my thoughts,

dancing softly in my mind.

A constant buzzing, never leaving me in darkness.

One can never be truly alone, however some can be lonely.

Not me though.

For when I possess thoughts, a pen and paper. 

One can never be truly lonely or alone. 

Life Lessons

Hey Everyone!

This is just an idea I concocted in work over the past few days and is similar to the trail of thought I've been thinking in the past few days. It's about what you can achieve with your life and how to make it happen, I think. I'm still not quite sure, but I have my earphones in listening to Paramore so it should be philosophical.

This very minute, the very second you're reading this seemingly useless and unimportant blogpost (which it probably is in the long run) could change your life for ever. In one split second, you can change everything, whether it's by wiping the slate clean or escalating further into an abyss of trouble (I don't know what you're all personally like but okay) but YOU can change your life path in mere seconds. It's all about decisions.

It's difficult trying to type exactly what has been reverberating in my head, into one clear linear line, apologies if any of this sounds disjointed, trust me it will be. I mean you can  do so many amazing things in your life, the possibilities are simply endless. You can get inspired or get depressed, it's your choice, ( that sounds so disgustingly blunt) you can ace a test or fail a class. It only takes a split second to change, possibly your entire existence, you're MEANING for an existence, everything you believed was important, your reasoning for your actions and life. Everything can be changed in the blink of an eye.

So basically, you can fall in love or fall in hate. That one little moment you look at someone can decide everything. You can either love that person, or hate them. A split second choice, a label even. (Another rant on labels is needed) That decides your entire relationship with that person, how you treat them, interact with them, everything. All because of that split second choice you made once you saw them.

You can speak the truth, or lie and cheat. Tell the truth, be accepting of the consequences, or lie and cheat, feeling the even deeper repercussions for doing such a thing. Lying and cheating really doesn't get you anywhere, especially at the expense of someone else. That one person then receives the treatment you should have received for lying, cheating and deceiving. All because of your one second decision, something can change your life or perhaps, most dangerously, the life of another person

Another huge thing I believe is trust. It's hard gained and so easily lost. You think you can know a person, however you can be so incredibly incorrect. That person you may have had trust in, can so easily lose/break that. It's scary really, how one little action can cause that loss. ONE action, one decision a person makes, can change their future regarding you for forever.

Life is crazy, I know that by now. I once said to my friend Thyra that, ''Life is a roller coaster, we shall scream the whole way through' but perhaps it is difficult to enjoy it constantly. I once believed that happiness in life was a destination, but, when I look back on everything, it's not. It's a way of travelling through your life. It's how you get through everything life puts you to the test on. To be honest, the only thing you can do is embrace life, it can be so difficult, especially when life puts you down. Especially when it's by a person, but you have to embrace the divine chaos that life can be. The more interesting and varied your life is, the more experiences you will have. The more lessons learnt, more methods with coping on those dark listless days. Ways to help you be happier in your journey that is your life. You only get one shot, it's up to you, to make it count.

Oh and, on another note. Be positive. Even in your darkest moments, think of something that you're looking forward to, even if it's a bar of chocolate or a programme on television. ANYTHING. To keep you focused on your life, and more importantly, not to end it.

This is what terrifies me most about life, how easy it is for your possible reasons of existence to alter themselves, it scares me endlessly.

Sorry for this random post, it's just been echoing in my head for days,

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless

Aveen xx 

Playlist for this blog:

Paramore ~ Grow Up

Paramore ~ Part 2

Paramore ~ Last Hope

Paramore ~ Proof

Paramore ~ Hate To See Your Heart Break

Something I haven't quite told you all about..

Hey Everyone,

I have literally just read my friend Grace's latest blog post about DCD, and I became inspired to tell you all about me and issue's I have, (obviously not as serious as DCD, but they're issue's to me)

I like being honest with people, I can be a little too blunt with how I speak to others and particularly in what I write. (That's why some of my posts are edited after I post them!) So before I change my mind, I'd like to tell you some things about me you might not know. It's kind of like ''Write My Life'' instead of the ''Draw My Life'' on YouTube!

So I'm sixteen and live in Ireland. I like where I live, I'm a local and most of the older population recognise me instantly just by looking at my face (I look like my mother's side of the family, and they're well known among the locals) so I've no problem with people like that. It's the younger people, my generation, so to speak. I had a happy childhood, my family life was (and still is) good, I encountered problems when I went into the education system (like everyone says)

In Third Class, when I was eight/nine, (I went to an all-girls school, that's an important part of what I'm going to say/type) I can recall a sudden shift/change in how everyone perceived me. I don't know what caused it, it has plagued me for half my life as to why everyone suddenly changed their views and opinions about me almost simultaneously and practically at the same time. My peers became, in ways, quite cruel towards me and, in short, began bullying me. I won't go into details of the actions (mainly mental and psychological things, like most girls do, so I always felt that it was all in my head, it made me also believe I had the problems, that I was one who was wrong) but this lasted until I was nearly thirteen. Let that sink in. Yes, 5-6 years of practically constant  hurtful comments, screaming at me, drama, backstabbing and so much more. It's something that doesn't exactly help a person with a developing mind and being the typical insecure person.

Secondary school (High school for anyone in the US or wherever) was a little easier for me. My older brother was there with all his friends, they felt like a safety net for me. An ally. Someone older to help. The girls who bullied me in primary school mostly were in completely different classes to me. Which I was extremely grateful for. I've had several drama's during my years in secondary school, (and  I've two more years to go!) losing some friends (literally) and growing apart from some, which is to be expected in secondary school, I referred to it as ''Growing Pains'' as we all changed and matured (some quicker than others, some not at all)

In TY, last year, I had a lot of spare time in comparison to previous years. So I spent a large chunk of my time, reflecting on memories, previous experiences and just on my life in general. Then the flashbacks started happening. I'd put memories of primary school and some secondary school experiences at the back of brain during the previous years, hidden by world's of music, books, my slightly insane imagination and of course the internet. To hide the pain, to try forget. However as I had more spare time, they slowly crept back into the front of my brain, and, I couldn't handle it.

I was so upset over the memories of what had happened to me for so many years, I fell into a depressive state of mind. I knew there was something wrong, it wasn't right to think the way I was thinking (negatively) and presuming the worst was going to happen, always.

So, I went to see a Guidance Counsellor in my school, I visited her several times and spoke about my primary school experiences. It felt so much better to have the experiences out in the open. it was like a weight was lifted off me, the burden of so many years gone. It felt as though the scars inside me were finally healing.

In January, I cracked again. One morning, I just couldn't get up. I felt like the world was against me. (I still do sometimes, but then I try remember to think positively) I wrote a lot of poetry during this time, I went back to the Guidance Counsellor and it really helped in the long run. In the short term I thought it was the most stupid thing I could ever had done. But when I look at the difference in my diary entries from now, and from then. It's astounding how negative and depressed I was.

I'm flicking through my diary and see a poem called 'The Cracks' I wrote in January. In February I wrote that ''I know I'm broken into pieces. However that doesn't mean I can't be fixed'' In April I said '' I have my spark back. I know my cause/meaning of my existence and I crave to fulfil it. I do read over my diary entries and laugh. I presume many would expect me to be the average teen. However, I do not WANT to be like the others. I want to be Aveen. She's not perfect, but she's real. She makes mistakes, she's not pretty but she can be smart and kind-hearted, even to people who don't exactly deserve it.''

So how am I now? I'm actually okay. Everything is good at the moment, which I'm so grateful for. Writing this blog every single week helped me in ways you might not even imagine. It gave me a purpose during some tough months, knowing I wanted to do something interesting and tell you all about it. Doing things during TY that I might never be able to achieve again. So thank you dear readers. You really helped me through a tough time.

I know that these battle's are not over. But I'm so much stronger now than I was, and that has to count for something. The next couple of years are going to be difficult and I will get stressed, however I'm better now. I can cope with more now, and I know my warning signs.

Also, tell someone if you're feeling how I did. Let someone, anyone, know. A problem shared is a problem halved. I confided in my friends and family who helped me in ways I can barely fathom at times. Even just the little things can help.

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

If you ever need a chat, please talk to me. I'm not a professional but I'll always try help in any way I can. I'll leave a link to my Twitter and you can DM me for my email address or whatever suits. But if you need a professional, GO to one. It seems like the worst idea when you go at first, but when you look back, it'a good decision. 

Playlist for this blog

 Kodaline ~All I Want

 Kodaline ~Lose Your Mind
 Kodaline ~ Pray
 Kodaline ~ Perfect World
 Kodaline ~ All My Friends

 Kodaline ~ High Hopes

Yes, I listened to their EP. Check it out, it's amazing!

My Twitter https://twitter.com/AwkwardAveen
Grace's post about DCD:  http://daintysprinkles.blogspot.ie/2013/06/the-missing-pieces-1-in-nutshell.html

If you ever feel alone, there's always someone around (incl me)

Some quotes I would look at to remind of how I wanted my life to be. x

UPDATE! What is this? ANOTHER extra post?!

Hey Everyone,

 A little update on the Life Of Me. I want to thank all of you amazing people across the globe who have been reading my blog, I just reached over 1500, yes FIFTEEN HUNDRED views. Seeing that people from as far as Taiwan, Korea, America, UK, Spain, France and all over are reading the musings and random blog entries written by a girl from a small town girl in the South East of Ireland is truly extraordinary and so heart warming in dark moments and also in good ones. I'm so happy you all enjoy my blog, I love writing about what happens in my life, it's mildly therapeutic and it's good that I have an online record of my life, not just the diaries I write in which are easily lost. 

Yes, I did mention dark moments there. If you read my previous blog posts regarding my own mental health, don't worry, I'm actually the best I have been in a long time. That's a huge thing I learnt this past year in Transition Year. I let every little issue get me down, I didn't realise how much that would worry/depress me. It would cause me such un-necessary stress, worry and anxiety. I believe that's something I learnt this year. I was extremely naive, I still am, but no where near as much as I was. I still believe there is good in everyone, you just have to dig very deep for some people, but it's still there, somewhere.

I've relaxed so much too, not, so laid back I'm almost horizontal, relaxed, but, relaxed! I used to rush to all my classes as soon as the bell went, I wait for people now (hooray for social interaction!) and socialize on the way to classes, and, laugh. Yes, I said laugh. I'm smiling so much lately I can even see my one dimple (on my right cheek for stalkers) again for the first time in years. I don't know I feel rejuvenated and a lot happier in myself. 

I feel more in control of my path, future and life too, which is always a bonus I think! I have my 5th Year subjects picked, I'm actually happy with them. I applied to be a Meitheal Leader (mentor) to incoming first year students and I had my interview yesterday. (I'll post more about that in my weekly post!) TY is drawing to a close, and, despite my previous thoughts, I'm at the other side, happier, confident and I know exactly what I need to do to reach my dreams, goals and ambitions. That is what I believe I learnt this year. I learnt to become the real me, not the one I had been moulded into. 

So that's about it until I post my weekly update. That'll be around Friday or Saturday, maybe not Saturday I'm busy with rehearsals and an event in the evening. Might even be updated on Sunday, the horror! Just don't attack me like fangirls do when another fangirl doesn't update her fanfic, (trust me I've seen that happening, it's kind of frightening) 

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

Again, thank you all so much for reading my blog, you don't know how much it means to me! x

Playlist for this blog!

Kodaline ~ High Hopes

Imagine Dragons ~ Radioactive

Ed Sheeran ~ Give Me Love

Emeli Sandé ~ Read All About It

The Fray ~ How To Save A Life

Maroon 5 ~ She Will Be Loved

Random playlist I know, but still, I'm random. xx

Love this pic, it's of Winnie the Pooh and my favourite YouTuber, Dan Howell aka Danisnotonfire! 

Another majestical week.

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Hello, Dia Dhuit, Hallo, Ciao, Bonjour etc. :)

So, as you might tell, I've really gotten into the habit of updating my blog every single week. So far, I'm really enjoying it. I started this blog in 2011 and, seeing as I was around 14; my vocabulary, depth of knowledge and also ability to write about one topic for several pages, was quite small.

My very first blog post didn't even have a proper title. It was just the first line from the blog. It was barely a paragraph and I felt that it went on for pages. Well, it's probably because I was such a slow typer. 

However, I want to tell you all about my week this week, (with pictures, woo!)

On Monday, I wasn't in classes as the Cycle against Suicide event was being held in the school. We painted a poster, well I didn't, Maeve who's artistic did, we all just watched.

 We were given permission to use the art room and we were just closing the classroom door, well, it slammed actually and eh, how do I say this? 

THE FIRE ALARM WENT OFF. Yes, the alarm went off as soon as we closed the door. Not just the usual fire alarm. A huge whirring, speeding and noisy alarm. Usually, everyone in school ignores the alarm, we'll probably all burn to death if there ever was a fire, but this time, people actually evacuated to the safety check points. 

Our principal went on the intercom, practically screaming ''FALSE ALARM DO NOT EVACUATE, FALSE ALARM, DO NOT EVACUATE'' it was reminiscent of the messages the previous principal would announce. The Vice-Principal then came running into the art room, we were still painting the canvas, trying to be calm and not become permanently deaf, shouting ''THE DISTRESS ALARM CAME FROM IN HERE'' 

We were sitting there and staring, saying ''Sir, we've just been sitting here painting'' so he ran off again. The alarm was going off nearly consistently for nearly 20 minutes. 

To top things off, there was Junior Cert home ec practicals, Leaving Cert orals and also Leaving Cert music practicals. So it wasn't really that good. 

However, the Cycle against Suicide, was excellent! We were student leaders and met many well known people, Jim Breen, Colm Hayes (they both remembered us, I think it was the hoodies!) Roz Purcell, Paul McGrath, PJ Gallagher, Anne Doyle and lots of the cyclists!

There was several speakers, all of whom were simply brilliant. The entertainment was by students of our school and really impressed everyone. 

On Tuesday, an article I wrote about when we were in the Radio Studio's was published in our local newspaper, it even included a photo of us 'jumping 4 joy' with Jim Breen, (man behind Cycle against Suicide)

But seriously, if you're in Ireland and see the cyclists, salute them and give them a round of applause, they are doing it for such a great cause. Together, shoulder to shoulder, we can break the cycle of suicide. 

A photo of us all in the Gym (the painting in the background is the one we painted during the fire alarm)

Maeve and Caitlin with Roz Purcell, an Irish model!

Project Smilier with Anne Doyle, an RTE news-reader!

The poster we painted!

Caitlin and Maeve dancing on one of the benches !

Alice from the Colm Hayes show, Roz Purcell and the comedian, PJ Gallagher!

A photo taken by Joe Dixon of the crowd, comment if you can find me in it! (It's like Where's Wally xD)

So that's it for another week everyone, I'll put links to all the relevant places below! 

Stay strong, fearless and you,

Aveen xx

Cycle against Suicide Facebook http://www.facebook.com/CycleAgainstSuicide?fref=ts

Cycle against Suicide Twitter https://twitter.com/CASuicide

JDPhotography (Joe Dixon) http://www.facebook.com/jdphotography2012

Cycle against Suicide website http://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/


PS, I've just checked, I've gotten over 1100 views! Thank you all so much, asdfghjkl. xx