Hesitant hands hover over the keyboard, heart thumps as the blank screen awaits, fresh for new ideas to be displayed in the form of 26 letters in new unique compositions. A frantic intake of oxygen, followed by a brief exhalation. Eyes swiftly close, to be reopened in a wave of fear.
The constraint of the inability to post freely. The hand over my mouth has become more prominent and uncomfortable.
My words are censored, carefully selected.
What was once such an easy task is debilitating. The tedious process of filtering information regarding my life into suitable sentences and sets of photographs. What was once a fun, light hearted activity has become a stress inducing exercise.
The fear consumes my soul. It has for many months. The frequent inactivity gnaws my bones. I know I must post regularly, simply due to my own desire to do so. Yet this desire is rarely translated onto the screen or the page. Fear appears regularly, eating up the keyboard and ripping up the pages in a terror induced rampage.
Slumped against the chair, hands pressed against the face. A sigh of dejection and a quick shake of hair are the only physical signs of the turmoil.
A stretch of the limbs and a deep exhale from lungs attempting to avoid the fear lingering in the room. I must remember the reason for starting this blog. I must recall the happiness instilled in my being by this blog. Remembering I have a voice.
A voice is to used, not stifled.
I avoided posting about my emotions on my blog since September 2015. I wanted to be a different person but we can't simply deny vital components to our identity. Instead of joy, I felt anxious when even writing a post, breaking into a fear-induced sweat - thinking about what others thought.
The title of this blog is The Random Life of Aveen. It is my life, my thoughts, my events, my musings, my emotions. My own personal platform which I have not utilised as much as I should have as of late.
I turned my back on my identity. Trying to 'fit in' and 'blend in' is something you should never do. A lack of time caused some posts to be written but a lack of accepting my own emotions caused 90% of the posts not being posted.
We all need a support network, a place to voice our opinions and to be ourselves. I've had to accept that I am in fact a blogger - something I like a lot. I can't change that. It is a part element of the composition of my identity.
I questioned my identity for many months after starting college. I struggled with being a student, student-teacher, blogger, friend and many more persona's, yet as I type these words, I feel a weight lift. To deny oneself of their identity is a shame.
I am a writer and a blogger. I feel through words, my comfort comes from the 26 letters comprising of our alphabet. It's my method of making sense of the world, and a blog is another addition of that.
A blog is for voicing our true, genuine thoughts, feelings and emotions. A blog is not for pretending every element of our lives is perfect. A blog is a platform where we should feel enabled to speak with confidence, our words booming and ricocheting across the Internet, not whispering meekly because we're afraid of insulting a person in real life.
It happened to me personally that I was given grief due to the content of my posts in 'real life.' It's an experience that taught me that we must be truthful to ourselves. If we post something that aggravates another, we generally are being truthful.
I have decided to take the plunge once more and post more personal content on The Random Life of Aveen. Several posts I posted as of late have felt so lack lustre, empty and devoid of content and emotion.
It's time to change that.
Wave goodbye to the posts of poor content and airbrushed emotions.
Say welcome back to the truthful, gritty posts where I actually discuss my emotions and actions.
