Something I haven't quite told you all about..

Hey Everyone,

I have literally just read my friend Grace's latest blog post about DCD, and I became inspired to tell you all about me and issue's I have, (obviously not as serious as DCD, but they're issue's to me)

I like being honest with people, I can be a little too blunt with how I speak to others and particularly in what I write. (That's why some of my posts are edited after I post them!) So before I change my mind, I'd like to tell you some things about me you might not know. It's kind of like ''Write My Life'' instead of the ''Draw My Life'' on YouTube!

So I'm sixteen and live in Ireland. I like where I live, I'm a local and most of the older population recognise me instantly just by looking at my face (I look like my mother's side of the family, and they're well known among the locals) so I've no problem with people like that. It's the younger people, my generation, so to speak. I had a happy childhood, my family life was (and still is) good, I encountered problems when I went into the education system (like everyone says)

In Third Class, when I was eight/nine, (I went to an all-girls school, that's an important part of what I'm going to say/type) I can recall a sudden shift/change in how everyone perceived me. I don't know what caused it, it has plagued me for half my life as to why everyone suddenly changed their views and opinions about me almost simultaneously and practically at the same time. My peers became, in ways, quite cruel towards me and, in short, began bullying me. I won't go into details of the actions (mainly mental and psychological things, like most girls do, so I always felt that it was all in my head, it made me also believe I had the problems, that I was one who was wrong) but this lasted until I was nearly thirteen. Let that sink in. Yes, 5-6 years of practically constant  hurtful comments, screaming at me, drama, backstabbing and so much more. It's something that doesn't exactly help a person with a developing mind and being the typical insecure person.

Secondary school (High school for anyone in the US or wherever) was a little easier for me. My older brother was there with all his friends, they felt like a safety net for me. An ally. Someone older to help. The girls who bullied me in primary school mostly were in completely different classes to me. Which I was extremely grateful for. I've had several drama's during my years in secondary school, (and  I've two more years to go!) losing some friends (literally) and growing apart from some, which is to be expected in secondary school, I referred to it as ''Growing Pains'' as we all changed and matured (some quicker than others, some not at all)

In TY, last year, I had a lot of spare time in comparison to previous years. So I spent a large chunk of my time, reflecting on memories, previous experiences and just on my life in general. Then the flashbacks started happening. I'd put memories of primary school and some secondary school experiences at the back of brain during the previous years, hidden by world's of music, books, my slightly insane imagination and of course the internet. To hide the pain, to try forget. However as I had more spare time, they slowly crept back into the front of my brain, and, I couldn't handle it.

I was so upset over the memories of what had happened to me for so many years, I fell into a depressive state of mind. I knew there was something wrong, it wasn't right to think the way I was thinking (negatively) and presuming the worst was going to happen, always.

So, I went to see a Guidance Counsellor in my school, I visited her several times and spoke about my primary school experiences. It felt so much better to have the experiences out in the open. it was like a weight was lifted off me, the burden of so many years gone. It felt as though the scars inside me were finally healing.

In January, I cracked again. One morning, I just couldn't get up. I felt like the world was against me. (I still do sometimes, but then I try remember to think positively) I wrote a lot of poetry during this time, I went back to the Guidance Counsellor and it really helped in the long run. In the short term I thought it was the most stupid thing I could ever had done. But when I look at the difference in my diary entries from now, and from then. It's astounding how negative and depressed I was.

I'm flicking through my diary and see a poem called 'The Cracks' I wrote in January. In February I wrote that ''I know I'm broken into pieces. However that doesn't mean I can't be fixed'' In April I said '' I have my spark back. I know my cause/meaning of my existence and I crave to fulfil it. I do read over my diary entries and laugh. I presume many would expect me to be the average teen. However, I do not WANT to be like the others. I want to be Aveen. She's not perfect, but she's real. She makes mistakes, she's not pretty but she can be smart and kind-hearted, even to people who don't exactly deserve it.''

So how am I now? I'm actually okay. Everything is good at the moment, which I'm so grateful for. Writing this blog every single week helped me in ways you might not even imagine. It gave me a purpose during some tough months, knowing I wanted to do something interesting and tell you all about it. Doing things during TY that I might never be able to achieve again. So thank you dear readers. You really helped me through a tough time.

I know that these battle's are not over. But I'm so much stronger now than I was, and that has to count for something. The next couple of years are going to be difficult and I will get stressed, however I'm better now. I can cope with more now, and I know my warning signs.

Also, tell someone if you're feeling how I did. Let someone, anyone, know. A problem shared is a problem halved. I confided in my friends and family who helped me in ways I can barely fathom at times. Even just the little things can help.

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

If you ever need a chat, please talk to me. I'm not a professional but I'll always try help in any way I can. I'll leave a link to my Twitter and you can DM me for my email address or whatever suits. But if you need a professional, GO to one. It seems like the worst idea when you go at first, but when you look back, it'a good decision. 

Playlist for this blog

 Kodaline ~All I Want

 Kodaline ~Lose Your Mind
 Kodaline ~ Pray
 Kodaline ~ Perfect World
 Kodaline ~ All My Friends

 Kodaline ~ High Hopes

Yes, I listened to their EP. Check it out, it's amazing!

My Twitter https://twitter.com/AwkwardAveen
Grace's post about DCD:  http://daintysprinkles.blogspot.ie/2013/06/the-missing-pieces-1-in-nutshell.html

If you ever feel alone, there's always someone around (incl me)

Some quotes I would look at to remind of how I wanted my life to be. x