'I Just Had A Change Of Heart'

I've been listening to The 1975's new album as of late, in particular the song 'Change of Heart'. This piece stemmed from listening to the song repetitively, mainly to the lyrics.



A song can instil and rise emotions from us, the lyrics similar to own feelings. Even the feelings we keep hidden. CoH reminds me of how we all start new adventures with naive ideas and dreams of how things will occur. Mostly, these ideas never quite come to fruition, leaving us alone and not shattered, but feeling defeated.

A change of heart doesn't have to relate to a lover or a romance. It can be a friendship, conversations or events. It can be the change in the dynamic of how people act towards each other or relate to a topic. When one person may foolishly think everything will remain the idealistic way things were initially, without realising another has parallel ideas and thoughts.

Hiding a change of heart until the last minute helps nobody, especially you. Smashing the ideals of how things were with a cruel and calculated expression of face and words is unnecessary. Yet blaming the change of heart on the other is more fatal a blow.

A change of heart can be healthy, it can show you the toxicity of relationships and people you once trusted. The person you once confided in, can believe you to be the enemy and dirt under the hooves of their high horse in an instant. These are the type of people not to partake in company with. The cruel and calloused of this earth should be avoided, along with their evil calculated motives.

Yet, a change of heart can teach you about yourself and the kinder amongst you. To think I was weak was a mistake. I am a fighter, I am a voice, for the betterment of society, I aim to speak up for those who are quiet and silent. I fear causing pain to others, knowing that so many have caused the same damage to me. Knowing the lasting impact of the hurt. Knowing it can be avoided.

On occasion, a reminder of your own personal strength and endurance is necessary and required. Reminding oneself of the events you have overcome can bring extra strength and resilience. I once said that it was the small act of bravery that define us in our lives.

Those small acts of bravery can sometimes be opening your door, knowing what may be on the opposite side of the door, in the wooden hall. It can be going to eat breakfast or entering the kitchen Monday through Friday for a semester. Bravery can be knocking on a person's door trying to resolve an issue, followed by the realisation that no matter your actions, a person can simply be close-minded, stubborn and spiteful.

Their change of heart can initially cause discontent, but knowing the true calibre of a person and their true nature is more important than a false friendship. I referenced this quote in my sixth year yearbook that 'your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important have the courage to follow your own heart and intuition.'

I had another flick through the yearbook and found a friend wrote, 'You have a voice, use it!'

I stayed silent for months on end. An acquiescent silence should never be imposed upon me, or anyone, by dramatics and crocodile tears. Any attempt to speak out should never be doubted by gaslighting and a torrent of imposing isolation.

You are wrong to doubt me and my emotional strength. You aren't the first to try beat me down with cruel syllables and actions. I won't stand for it. Not any more.

I too have had a change of heart. I'm not sorry. 
I did all I could.

I dreamed the idealistic dreams and achieved a few of them.
I'm not sorry that I achieved them.
I'm sorry that you didn't.
I'm sorry for your indignation and utter hatred regarding those dreams and their reality.


I'm dreaming more dreams of my life and its events. You're no longer in them.
 I had a change of heart too.
 I'm not sorry.

I wrote this blog post a couple of months ago and only really got around to posting this now.  Yet I must acknowledge internally that feelings are real and should be experienced, not bottled up or hidden.

''And I Still Feel That Rush In My Veins.''

I cannot find an accurate song lyric to title this blog post. It sounds dramatic yet it is a problem that has been on my mind all week. It has become so horribly strenuous to gather my thoughts onto one linear progression of thought and one page.

I feel imprisoned. As I breathe, I sense my creativity evaporating into the dark, cloudless sky to be replaced with fear and rote-learned paragraphs. I am shackled down by the pressure I place on myself. Going further than expected and going the Extra Mile - every time is both rewarding, yet, exhausting. I know I will value this ethic I posses in the weeks to come. However at this moment in time, it seems to be the source of my difficulties.

I have not written an honest thought in weeks. I can feel my emotions, thoughts and ideas seeping into other areas of both my conscious and sub-conscious mind. I fear that this may have a detrimental impact.

I am becoming quote conscious of my private life - and the fact that I like to keep some parts of my life as an enigma or little mystery. Many now believe that due to the fact that I write openly on this blog, my private life should become intertwined with a concoction of deceitful lies and their own inadequacies splashed across the classroom walls.

Due to receiving somewhat decent test results as of late, my name and reputation was blackened. More than ever I have become determined to prove others wrong. You know my name, not my story. Little do you know, I have a history of proving others wrong about their ill-based assumptions.

These feelings of keeping my life and its mundane details private and close to my chest has prevented me from concentrating my efforts into crafting a substantial blog post. With everything, I feel that the closure I crave will inevitably come from the therapeutic effect of formulating my thoughts onto a page. Typing directly from my mind to the keyboard feels cold, unplanned and insincere at times. The warmth of my pen resting in my left hand as it swirls across endless pages of white, is a beauty like no other in my eyes.

These feelings of anxiety will undoubtedly take time to fade. Yet I hold the strong belief that the feelings of inadequacy will recede in due course, as usual. I know that what has happened will make me a stronger person who will use their voice even more to call out anyone who hinders my progress to becoming a better person and my goals, both academically and emotionally. It was their own flaws and feelings of jealousy which they allowed seep from their mind to someone else's mouth.

I found a lyric. ''And I still feel that rush in my veins'' I can feel that rush of adrenaline and fear. It hasn't evaporated yet. In the future it will be a rush of adrenaline and elation. I inhale. Positivity and knowledge fuels my mind. Exhale. Negativity and memories of fear leave my system and float away in the dark, star-filled night.

My usual blogging schedule should resume after the past few hectic weeks. 

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Never let anyone try make you feel inadequate - It's their problem. Not yours. 

Aveen 

*Lyric The Kids Aren't Alright - Fall Out Boy