''And I Still Feel That Rush In My Veins.''

I cannot find an accurate song lyric to title this blog post. It sounds dramatic yet it is a problem that has been on my mind all week. It has become so horribly strenuous to gather my thoughts onto one linear progression of thought and one page.

I feel imprisoned. As I breathe, I sense my creativity evaporating into the dark, cloudless sky to be replaced with fear and rote-learned paragraphs. I am shackled down by the pressure I place on myself. Going further than expected and going the Extra Mile - every time is both rewarding, yet, exhausting. I know I will value this ethic I posses in the weeks to come. However at this moment in time, it seems to be the source of my difficulties.

I have not written an honest thought in weeks. I can feel my emotions, thoughts and ideas seeping into other areas of both my conscious and sub-conscious mind. I fear that this may have a detrimental impact.

I am becoming quote conscious of my private life - and the fact that I like to keep some parts of my life as an enigma or little mystery. Many now believe that due to the fact that I write openly on this blog, my private life should become intertwined with a concoction of deceitful lies and their own inadequacies splashed across the classroom walls.

Due to receiving somewhat decent test results as of late, my name and reputation was blackened. More than ever I have become determined to prove others wrong. You know my name, not my story. Little do you know, I have a history of proving others wrong about their ill-based assumptions.

These feelings of keeping my life and its mundane details private and close to my chest has prevented me from concentrating my efforts into crafting a substantial blog post. With everything, I feel that the closure I crave will inevitably come from the therapeutic effect of formulating my thoughts onto a page. Typing directly from my mind to the keyboard feels cold, unplanned and insincere at times. The warmth of my pen resting in my left hand as it swirls across endless pages of white, is a beauty like no other in my eyes.

These feelings of anxiety will undoubtedly take time to fade. Yet I hold the strong belief that the feelings of inadequacy will recede in due course, as usual. I know that what has happened will make me a stronger person who will use their voice even more to call out anyone who hinders my progress to becoming a better person and my goals, both academically and emotionally. It was their own flaws and feelings of jealousy which they allowed seep from their mind to someone else's mouth.

I found a lyric. ''And I still feel that rush in my veins'' I can feel that rush of adrenaline and fear. It hasn't evaporated yet. In the future it will be a rush of adrenaline and elation. I inhale. Positivity and knowledge fuels my mind. Exhale. Negativity and memories of fear leave my system and float away in the dark, star-filled night.

My usual blogging schedule should resume after the past few hectic weeks. 

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Never let anyone try make you feel inadequate - It's their problem. Not yours. 

Aveen 

*Lyric The Kids Aren't Alright - Fall Out Boy

'Singing I am your worst, I am your worst nightmare''

Hey Everyone!

It has been a long time to say the least since I have written here. As you may expect, the preparation for the Mocks and ultimately the Leaving Cert does leave me with little time. Time is a luxury few Leaving Cert students can afford. I should probably inform you all about the wondrous and soul-soothing things I've been up to as of late!

As a Sixth Year with Mocks starting on Monday (English Paper Two, along with Irish Paper One) time is truly of the essence so any time I get to relax, I truly savour it. I try to stop studying at around 9.30 on school nights (I need copious amounts of sleep just to function) so I do 3-4 hours of homework and study each school night. Weekends are easily 4 hours a day and then the evenings to relax.

Last Saturday I treated myself to the Divergent DVD and sadly, instead of blogging, watched it instead! I had watched the film when it was in the cinemas but really wanted to watch it again. It's such a rarity to actually sit down for two hours to watch a film and not be plagued by thoughts of the Mocks or Leaving Cert. The exams and hours of study consume your entire life for a school year. It really isn't pleasant but I'm optimistic all these hours of study will be worth it all in the end. (It's the only thing you can hope for, isn't it?)

School has been as can be expected. Talk of Mocks, Debs, Leaving Cert, CAO, all hang over every conversation at The Bench. It genuinely causes you to sit back slightly and think,
 'This is real. This is happening. It's not just my mind thinking that this is happening, it is actually happening.' It is both a source of anxiety and a mixture of reluctant excitement with shock.

We watched for years as Sixth Year groups came and went from the school, leaving us remaining, now it's our turn to leave. Soon we won't even be secondary school students, we'll be finished and moving onto ambitious and life-changing places. It does lead to your breath hitching in your throat occasionally when you think about it.

I'm studying for the Mocks, but I don't want to work so hard that I burn out before the Leaving Cert, if that makes sense. We're told to do well, BUT, not too well. Yet good grades are expected. But if you get an A you'll be marked down. I am planning to aim for a grade below what I'm planning on getting in the real LC. I  think that's reasonable and leaves a sturdy foundation to work on for June.

Down below are some photos (mainly photos I've sent on Snapchat) during the time I have been absent from my blog.

Asking the serious questions whilst wearing a cat onesie.

Watching 'Divergent' and crushing on Ansel Elgort, as you do.

Waiting for pizza when The Parents and The Sibling travel to Limerick and you have a study day.

Home alone on a Sunday. Fun, fun fun. 

The most delicious drink ever. 

Oranges look so happy. Keeping up with my Vitamin C during study. 

My 'To-Do' list last week.. Oh the joys.

I might have mentioned it, but I've been listening to Fall Out Boy non-stop lately! (Along with Taylor Swift and Hozier) This weeks title comes from the Fall Out Boy song 'Novocaine'

So that's about it for this week, tomorrow the mass cramming resumes! 

Stay Strong, Happy & Fearless!
Aveen xx

My Turbulent Back To School Week!

Hey Everyone!

It's been a CRAZY week in the Life of Me, I started back to school this week and I've been part of the J.O.A.L.L.A.P blog collaboration! Despite all the work I've been doing, I'm quite alert, hyper and giddy. Perhaps it's over-tiredness, I'm not quite sure!

I went back to school on Wednesday which, was eventful. I started in Fifth Year, last year I was in Transition Year so it was a huge wake up call on Wednesday. The teachers/principal began Assembly speaking about the Leaving Certificate, CAO applications and of course, university and college. What a lovely way to calm me, not. I literally left the Assembly panicking and hyper-ventilating. No, I promise I wasn't that bad however it felt like it.

So far I really like all my teachers, I'm doing all Honours/Higher Level subjects, yes even maths! I was delighted to have been put into all Honours classes. Based on experience from when my brother was in Leaving Cert years, it's a lot of hard work. Most of your time is spent working on projects, studying and revising. Which means less blogging time! I'm still committed to posting here at least once a week don't worry, I just won't be posting YouTube video's for the foreseeable future sadly.

It's the only logical decision as I don't want to stop blogging, YouTube takes up a lot of time. Between filming, editing and uploading it can take several hours. Blogging on the other hand, well I just type whatever what pops into my head. I do some brainstorming and write down what I have to include in that post. Perhaps over mid-term and other holidays I'll post videos. At the moment I have TWO recorded videos, unedited, but they exist!

I was studying for a few hours today (I did my homework and note writing last night) and I was revising my Irish vocab when my neighbours started shouting loudly at each other in the garden (something about a clothes line I have no idea) and I shouted in Irish back at them (from my bedroom) oops. In English, I said ''I'm not able to learn my Irish vocab because you're both shouting at the top of your voices in the garden, thank you!''  (I am a sarcastic person)

I've been in 5th Year TWO days and I'm already shouting at people in Irish. I worry for myself. I didn't even go on the internet for two days, which is a world record for me. I didn't even go on Twitter to see what Danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil were up to! (Not even Tumblr!)

Also, it has come to my attention that several people from my school have been reading my blog! I don't post links to my blog on Facebook, only on Twitter & Tumblr, so HEY! So far I've had a fairly positive response from my peers. A cousin of mine also found my blog last week, I guess the secret's out! ;)

Also, in other very important news, an Irish poet (and an absolute favourite of mine) Seamus Heaney passed away yesterday at the age of 74. I know I'm not a literary genius or particularly eloquent, however I feel the need to express how literature has lost such an amazing person. For my Junior Cert, my main poet was Seamus Heaney, from what I can recall, I wrote about either ''Mid Term Break'' or ''Digging'' If you haven't read ''Mid Term Break'' I would highly recommend it, however I still cry after reading the poem. The last line particularly affects me, ''A four foot box, a foot for every year'' It sends chills up my spine, it's so beautiful and poetic, yet so deeply saddening.

R.I.P. Seamus Heaney, you will be sorely missed in the world of literature.


Playlist for this blog post:
Fall Out Boy ~ Just One Yesterday
The Band Perry ~ If I Die Young
The Killers ~ The Way It Was
The Coronas ~ Heroes or Ghosts
The Script ~ If You Ever Come Back
The Killers ~ Somebody Told Me
The Coronas ~ Won't Leave You Alone
Fall Out Boy ~ Young Volcanoes
Paramore ~ Anklebiters

Back to school *gasps with horror*

A way to describe back to school. (Except with more sorrow and horror)

So that's about everything for this week!

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless!

Aveen xx

My Week & Back To School Horror

Hey Everyone!

Another week has come and gone, with it more exciting memories, procrastinating and sobbing over going back to school. Fun times. I need to chat to all you lovely readers about back to school and how it complicates my blog. First however I'm going to tell you about my week!

So it was my second last week of my summer job this week, I came home everyday with increasing pains in my legs! Ouch! So I rested after work most of this week, little or no socialising unfortunately. However, I treated myself to a limited edition Orla Kiely travel mug! Orla Kiely is an amazing Irish clothes designer, Kate Middleton and her Mum Carole, are very fond of her designs and have worn her outfits on several occasions. Once I heard she was releasing limited edition travel mugs I literally screamed with excitement. I have used mine a couple of times already (I was drinking hot chocolate from it earlier today editing my YouTube video for this week, the weather was miserable)

Leaving Cert results also came out in Ireland this week, so a huge well done to everyone who received their results, in particular my cousin Barry, you did brilliantly. A lad from my school also achieved the highest result  in the country! (9 A1's!) Once again congratulations Mark, best of luck in the future.

Again, on the subject of school, I'm starting Fifth Year on August 28th. What does mean to my blog and YouTube? Sadly, an awful lot. Fifth Year is the start of the Leaving Cert cycle so it will be hard work and study for me as I want to achieve the best possible results. The impact is that I will be blogging less as I will most likely be using my spare time for work and study sadly. I really don't want to reduce my blogging/YouTube time and presence, I don't want it to be this way, but I have to.

I want to achieve what I've dreamt and craved for, and that means I have to work hard in my school work. I will be popping up hopefully every week checking in on all of you, I'm just not guaranteeing it which really, honestly deeply saddens me. I've grown to love blogging to all of you all over the summer. It's amazing to think people all over the world are reading what I'm typing in my room in Ireland.

I felt I needed to tell you all in advance, also, I'm going to try finish the blogging challenge before I go back to school and also do some revision and my summer job in between. Fun times.

*****************The Link To My YouTube Video Is Here! ********************************

Playlist For This Blog:
Paramore ~ Still Into You
Paramore ~ Ain't It Fun
Paramore ~ Fast In My Car
Paramore ~ Now
Paramore ~ Grow Up
Ed Sheeran ~ A Team
Fall Out Boy ~ Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
The Script ~ Six Degrees Of Separation
The Coronas ~ Grace Don't Wait!
Panic! At The Disco ~ Let's Kill Tonight

My Orla Kiely travel mug set! (I was not paid to sponsor this, I was actually so excited when I got it, I had to feature it on my blog)

A photo of a badly parked van I took! Talk about parking in the middle of nowhere! 

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

Another Week Of Summer! ASDFGHJKL

Hey Everyone!

This week was really random, busy and weird! Only way to describe it to be honest! I was in work (as usual!) most of the week, which I don't mind. I have to say it's great having some independence and getting paid every week. Just now, I ordered four John Green books, ''Paper Towns'', ''An Abundance of Katherines'', ''Will Grayson, Will Grayson'' and also ''Looking For Alaska''. I bought TFIOS in London back in March as it's IMPOSSIBLE to find any John Green books in Ireland for some reason. I read (devoured) the book on the hour long flight home, and cried. Yes, it's taken nearly 4 months to read more John Green books. What can I say? I am such a procrastinator.

But my week wasn't all about John Green books! (I'm currently watching the Wimbledon final, come on Andy Murray!) On Friday, I was at my cousin Barry's house as another cousin of mine was getting married and we were invited to the evening part of the wedding.

So I would like to apologise now, I was meant to take a few photos of my outfit for all you beauty bloggers.. but I didn't. I completely forgot as I lost my phone in my cousins house (not bragging but his house is massive) as I was on the way to the hotel and I freaked. I soon found it, but I had to run to the car so couldn't take any photos, so I'M SO SORRY EVERYONE.

Apart from that hiccup, the evening was great. Everyone looked amazing to say the least. However it was slightly awkward when a teacher from my school was also at the wedding. She never taught me or anything, but still, it was weird. However it was to be expected because my cousin Joey and his now wife Natalie are both teachers! A match made in education, haha.

I got home at 2am and very stupidly went to badminton at 10am. I could barely hit the shuttlecock but I was forgiven as they didn't expect me to turn up! :) Overall it was good, seeing as it was the first badminton session in over 2 weeks.

Afterwards myself, Vivien, Evan, Brian and my brother Noel, went for a drive in Brian's new car and drove all over the local area, myself and Vivi chatting about how to tell the difference between Jack and Finn Harries! We drove back into town and saw a huge old style bus painted red and a local radio station there too, right on the Main Street. (Yes, the main street of the town is called the Main Street, clearly we're a creative town)

The front garden at my cousin's house, I forgot to take a photo of the pond at the front!

Barry's piano, I giggled because I thought of the saying ''So kawaii''

Another photo taken from the front window..

Viv and I saw this in the local supermarket, people are that desperate to find their name on a bottle!

The bus we got on, SO HOT UP THERE. 

The bus from afar, they even gave us balloon swords, little sweets and tried to use facepaint on our faces! (We were 13,16 and 19-20 by the way)

An Oreo cupcake I bought in a local Café, mmm Oreo's...

(Awkwardly saw a lorry driver from the business I work for in there too, awkward)

Ps, congratulations to AmazingPhil (Phil Lester) on YouTube for reaching 1 million subscribers, so proud to say I'm a Phillion! Oh and did anyone else see Danisnotonfire's (Dan Howell) new hairstyle? Thoughts?

So that's it for this week, Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

Playlist for this blog: 

Okay, okay, I FINALLY got Spotify this week, this is from my ''Everything'' Playlist!

The 1975 ~ Chocolate

Ho Hey ~ The Lumineers

Mumford & Sons ~ I Will Wait

Train ~  50 Ways to Say Goodbye

Fall Out Boy ~ My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark

Fall Out Boy ~ The Phoenix

Ps, I did have a funny little vlog I made at my cousins house but it wouldn't upload, sorry!

Majestical summer adventures.....!!!

Hey Everyone! 

Long time no update! (6 days, the HORROR!) I definitely think ''The Quickening'' is upon us. Seems like only yesterday I was typing about sitting in the garden getting a tan and sobbing over Allegiant! So, now it's time to tell all you lovely people about the past week! 

So I was up to my usual activities this week, being the typical procrastinating perfectionist I am. On Monday I went to my friends house to sing songs and rehearse for a competition we had coming up. We were meant to be singing ''Some Nights'' by Fun, which i really enjoyed. To rehearse I had to leave work on time at 5 instead of doing overtime as usual. On Thursday I received a text saying ''Practice cancelled, call me when you can'' I discovered that the competition we were entering was CANCELLED. All our hard work was for nothing. Being honest, i was actually kind of relieved. I was terrified about singing on stage, I even had some solo lines, which I was terrified about. The girls found it strange that I could speak aloud with confidence but would only sing loudly if coaxed to. To be honest, I use my voice to speak, to make a point, debate and for knowledge. Never for singing! So it was something different and slightly terrifying for me.

 I was working for the majority of the week which was fine. On Wednesday, I had the day off so I went to get my hair cut, seeing as I haven't had it cut since I went to London in March! The hairdresser was great, as always and cut nearly 2 inches off my hair! The most I've ever had cut off, like ever! (Before and after photos posted below!) but I was happy she cut off so much, the ends were becoming a little raggy. I actually have quite thick hair so she had to thin my hair out a little too. I was happy with the result, she even french plaited the fringe section for me. 

I had Saturday off from work so I went shopping in a shopping centre in Dublin with my parents, it was really good, especially because I was using my own money which I felt extremely proud of! (Sorry bank account) I'll be posting another update about what I bought and did that day for all you fashionista's! 

So today is Sunday, I got up late and went down the town with my Mam. I bought myself a new book too, it's written by an author I quite like, Sophie Kinsella. The book is called ''I've got your number'' I've read her Shopaholic series which I simply devoured! So I'm excited to be reading her latest book, she always make me laugh! I visited my Nana today too, she's 91 and absolutely adorable. To be honest, she was asleep the majority of the time I was there so I went on Facebook and chatted to my aunt too. (Grace and I had a very interesting conversation on FB while I was there!) I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 92! ;) 

As I'm constantly on the internet, I was on YouTube and saw a youtuber I like called Alex Day had uploaded a video called ''Big girls in costumes'' I watched the entire video and to be honest, I know he was using satire, I was kind of offended. I'm not the skinniest girl or the fattest girl ever but I felt a little upset that in this day and age people still say comments and judge people based on their weight. This video has caused such outrage on YouTube, Alex had to make it unlisted and wrote a full explanation on Tumblr about it. Still, I'm offended from it. I take jokes quite easily and love a laugh (in work I'm called the posh kid and I find it hilarious and speak in a posh accent for the craic too) but weight is a sensitive topic in this day and age, with rising numbers of teenage girls (and boys) being diagnosed with anorexia and other illnesses along with all the body bashing our generation does to each other, it was a bad topic to be satirical about. I was a little disappointed and I thought of the video constantly on Saturday when I was buying a dress to wear to my cousins wedding, seeing as I might be ''too big'' for certain styles according to others. 
 * I felt that that kind of needed to be addressed as it's something I've been thinking of constantly since I first watched it.

Playlist for this blog
Muse ~ Undisclosed Desires
The Killers ~ Mr Brightside
Macklemore ~ Can't Hold Us
Daft Punk ~ Get Lucky (stuck in my head at the moment!)
Robin Thicke ~ Blurred Lines
Fall Out Boy ~ Thanks For The Memories

Some photos from my week!

An awkward selfie I posted on Instagram and got 32 likes? 

New haircut! (After)

 

The new book I bought, review soon!

My new lock screen. I chose it because I always laugh when I see it

A quote I saw during the week and thought it was beautful

I was in Starbucks and thought this was hilarious. Oh Beliebers..

Another book I was reading earlier in the week. I've read it so many times, it's become practically torn.. :(

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

Don't let anyone get you down about yourself, it's not worth it. If someone judges you, it doesn't define you, it defines who they are. 

Here Comes The Sun ! (Doo doo doo doo!)

Hey Everyone! Another week has come and gone! Time is flying by so far this Summer. The weather (speaking about the weather like a true Irish person) was exceptional this week, I was working for a few days but the days I wasn't, I was out basking in the sunshine. 

I'm sitting inside my room with all the windows open and as I type, I keep staring at my arms, I was outside on a sun lounger for a couple of hours and, being me, forgot to apply sun block. Good going Aveen. However, I'm not like the stereotypical Irish person, I actually tan, I rarely burn! I still felt very stupid wearing no sun block though, especially as I had a melanoma scare a couple of months ago, (it was only an infected scar but still, it caused great concern) So my arms are actually brown at the moment, and look quite dark in contrast to my turquoise duvet cover. 

I was mainly outside re-reading Insurgent by Veronica Roth and listening to the album 'Red' by Taylor Swift. Once I finished re-reading Insurgent and cried because Allegiant isn't being released until October, I came back inside to re-hydrate myself and begin this blog post, woohoo. 

Being honest, I didn't do very many interesting things at all this week. I was in work most days, I was off Wednesday so I went to a friends house and we all sang songs on the patio in the warm sunshine. I had a little bet with them too, three of them put on sun block, but I didn't, we all wanted to see if I would tan or burn sitting outside in sunlight for a couple of hours (my poor skin, I am so sorry) and I DIDN'T BURN. Such an amazing achievement (not) 

On Saturday & today I spent a lot of time outside. I've developed a love for Fall Out Boy too, their songs are amazing, Patrick Stump's vocal range is so wide, I'm so envious (says the one who can barely sing) I've also been on Tumblr a lot this week, I even changed my URL to awkward-aveen, because, well, I'm awkward. (I updated the link on the right hand side too, don't worry) (Aveen, who would worry over something like that?) No one. :)

This week will hopefully be a little more interesting, I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday so I'll post a before and after photo for you all, along with my other adventures (should I actually have any!) 

Playlist:
Fall Out Boy ~ Young Volcanoes 
Bruno Mars ~ When I was Your Man
Fall Out Boy ~ My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark
Paramore ~ Now
Daft Punk ~ Get Lucky (Ugh, it's stuck in my head, I heard it 5 times in the one day this week when I was in work, I started singing along which was embarrassing) 

Ways to procrastinate writing an update.. (This was yesterday btw)

My afternoon, sunglasses, Insurgent and my watch (didn't want to get white lines you know!)

Gazebo :)

My random view of the sky 

My tan? I've no life sorry guys. x x

Reading Insurgent ..

I kept taking photos to see if my skin was burning, something I'm intensely fearful of..

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless!
Aveen xx

Ps. I hope the weather is wonderful wherever you are! x