Alone, not lonely.

Hey Everyone!

So it's the end of another tiring week. I knew Fifth Year would be exhausting, but not this much. One thing I don't like about Fifth Year is that you do lots of work and time consuming activities but I can't really write about any of them as they're deemed (by me) to be too boring and lack luster. Oh well, I can live like a hermit for a couple of years, it won't kill me.

I had a few tests during the week and I was happy with my results. I had a free double German and study afterwards so I let my mind wander and wrote a poem (Not depressing or sinister I swear, it's quite optimistic believe it or not!)

Something else of interest to me was the fact that people in my year in school read/know of my blog?! I know I post links to my Twitter & Tumblr, however I didn't think people would actually read my random musings? This has made me feel slightly more cautious and conservative about what I express here (I wasn't really outspoken here to begin with) as for some reason I feel more comfortable sharing my views/life with random strangers than with my peers in education? It's a strange thing really, I feel more comfortable sharing everything with ''strangers'' however I don't feel all you lovely readers are strangers though! You are all a part of my life now, and support me by commenting, emailing and tweeting me. Even by reading this, I feel I nearly know you.

I know some people consider people who read their blogs ''their fan base'' however I consider you all my friends and people I would like to know properly some day in the future. It's easier to tell someone who won't judge you what's going on in your life rather than telling someone who knows you and may judge you for every single world you utter. I was talking to a real life friend of mine about making more YouTube videos because of being offered the partnership and everything, so hopefully in the weeks to come I will record a new video. Wahey.

So that's about it from me for this week. Next week should be more interesting as I'm going to see Othello with my English class on Thursday, September 26th, along with other things going on that day. Should I mention that this might be my last blog post as a sixteen year old?! DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Dramatic ending. Yes, it's my birthday on Thursday and I'll be seventeen! Wow, that was a quick year wasn't it? I think my blog is nearing it's six month old birthday then too! *Counting when I first starting properly blogging on a weekly basis, not my mediocre attempts!*

Playlist for this blog post:
The Strypes ~ Blue Collar Jane
The Strypes ~ Mystery Man
Kodaline ~ One Day
Kodaline ~ Brand New Day
Kodaline ~ Pray

*It was a Kodaline day for me today!

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A photo from my ''Room Tour'' on the JOALLAP collab blog I'm part of! Find it here!

Here's a photo I saw on Carrie Shade's 'Against Suicide' page, I think it's so truthful and accurate.

So that's about it from me this week!

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless!

Aveen xx

My ''poem'' wahey

Alone, not lonely. 

I am alone, not lonely. 

Sitting in class, on the outskirts. 

The crowd everywhere but near me.

I sit, silent and diligent.

In my own, perfect world.

For being lonely would imply I desire company.

I am alone, on my own terms

and above all, my decision and choice.

I am not alone, with my thoughts,

dancing softly in my mind.

A constant buzzing, never leaving me in darkness.

One can never be truly alone, however some can be lonely.

Not me though.

For when I possess thoughts, a pen and paper. 

One can never be truly lonely or alone. 

Day 3! What People Misunderstand The Most About Me..

So to start with, I'm so sorry  I haven't been blogging!! :( I was working practically all week and simply didn't have enough time to blog about anything! I'm in my cousins house at the moment using his iPad, which is pretty savage I must say. After this I'm going to m other cousins wedding so that will be fun. Ill try take as many photos of the evening part as possible and post them in my weekly post!                                                              

So as you can see, it's Day 3. What people misunderstand most about me. To be honest when I looked at the title this morning, my heart sank slightly. There's some elements of my life which I've kept quiet and yet, I've spoken openly about here on this blog. This is going to a deep topic, I just know it! As I type this I honestly have no idea what to write about.

In a way, there's so much people don't know about me, and in another, especially here, you know nearly too much about me. But, as I sit here listening to Kodaline and typing whatever comes into my mind, I realise, that STILL, the thing everyone misunderstands about me the most is why I can be honest and open with people I barely know, I'm not sure what it is, but I able to open up to people I know only very slightly for some reason.

It really is a serious flaw (among many, many I possess) I have, so much so, for a while I simply stopped talking to new people. in case I said too much and freaked people out with my honesty, something I really don't want to do as I actually like people occasionally!

This flaw revealed itself yet again only a few days ago, which made me realise its a huge flaw I possess. I can't really go into details with this one particular incident, as it is somewhat personal and also slightly relates to the workplace, sorry!

However it also brings me onto the honesty I convey on this blog, there are people from America, Russia, Australia, China, UK, everywhere! Reading this blog and probably know more about me, a small town girl  in Ireland and you all probably know more about me than most of my peers in school! Is that a little crazy? ;) Possibly.

See what I mean? My honesty is my weakness in many ways, and is definitely the most misunderstanding I receive from others. People think I am a dramatic, attention seeking person when, to be honest, (oh the irony) I'm too honest!

So that's it for now, I'll be writing soon!
Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,
Aveen xx

Something I haven't quite told you all about..

Hey Everyone,

I have literally just read my friend Grace's latest blog post about DCD, and I became inspired to tell you all about me and issue's I have, (obviously not as serious as DCD, but they're issue's to me)

I like being honest with people, I can be a little too blunt with how I speak to others and particularly in what I write. (That's why some of my posts are edited after I post them!) So before I change my mind, I'd like to tell you some things about me you might not know. It's kind of like ''Write My Life'' instead of the ''Draw My Life'' on YouTube!

So I'm sixteen and live in Ireland. I like where I live, I'm a local and most of the older population recognise me instantly just by looking at my face (I look like my mother's side of the family, and they're well known among the locals) so I've no problem with people like that. It's the younger people, my generation, so to speak. I had a happy childhood, my family life was (and still is) good, I encountered problems when I went into the education system (like everyone says)

In Third Class, when I was eight/nine, (I went to an all-girls school, that's an important part of what I'm going to say/type) I can recall a sudden shift/change in how everyone perceived me. I don't know what caused it, it has plagued me for half my life as to why everyone suddenly changed their views and opinions about me almost simultaneously and practically at the same time. My peers became, in ways, quite cruel towards me and, in short, began bullying me. I won't go into details of the actions (mainly mental and psychological things, like most girls do, so I always felt that it was all in my head, it made me also believe I had the problems, that I was one who was wrong) but this lasted until I was nearly thirteen. Let that sink in. Yes, 5-6 years of practically constant  hurtful comments, screaming at me, drama, backstabbing and so much more. It's something that doesn't exactly help a person with a developing mind and being the typical insecure person.

Secondary school (High school for anyone in the US or wherever) was a little easier for me. My older brother was there with all his friends, they felt like a safety net for me. An ally. Someone older to help. The girls who bullied me in primary school mostly were in completely different classes to me. Which I was extremely grateful for. I've had several drama's during my years in secondary school, (and  I've two more years to go!) losing some friends (literally) and growing apart from some, which is to be expected in secondary school, I referred to it as ''Growing Pains'' as we all changed and matured (some quicker than others, some not at all)

In TY, last year, I had a lot of spare time in comparison to previous years. So I spent a large chunk of my time, reflecting on memories, previous experiences and just on my life in general. Then the flashbacks started happening. I'd put memories of primary school and some secondary school experiences at the back of brain during the previous years, hidden by world's of music, books, my slightly insane imagination and of course the internet. To hide the pain, to try forget. However as I had more spare time, they slowly crept back into the front of my brain, and, I couldn't handle it.

I was so upset over the memories of what had happened to me for so many years, I fell into a depressive state of mind. I knew there was something wrong, it wasn't right to think the way I was thinking (negatively) and presuming the worst was going to happen, always.

So, I went to see a Guidance Counsellor in my school, I visited her several times and spoke about my primary school experiences. It felt so much better to have the experiences out in the open. it was like a weight was lifted off me, the burden of so many years gone. It felt as though the scars inside me were finally healing.

In January, I cracked again. One morning, I just couldn't get up. I felt like the world was against me. (I still do sometimes, but then I try remember to think positively) I wrote a lot of poetry during this time, I went back to the Guidance Counsellor and it really helped in the long run. In the short term I thought it was the most stupid thing I could ever had done. But when I look at the difference in my diary entries from now, and from then. It's astounding how negative and depressed I was.

I'm flicking through my diary and see a poem called 'The Cracks' I wrote in January. In February I wrote that ''I know I'm broken into pieces. However that doesn't mean I can't be fixed'' In April I said '' I have my spark back. I know my cause/meaning of my existence and I crave to fulfil it. I do read over my diary entries and laugh. I presume many would expect me to be the average teen. However, I do not WANT to be like the others. I want to be Aveen. She's not perfect, but she's real. She makes mistakes, she's not pretty but she can be smart and kind-hearted, even to people who don't exactly deserve it.''

So how am I now? I'm actually okay. Everything is good at the moment, which I'm so grateful for. Writing this blog every single week helped me in ways you might not even imagine. It gave me a purpose during some tough months, knowing I wanted to do something interesting and tell you all about it. Doing things during TY that I might never be able to achieve again. So thank you dear readers. You really helped me through a tough time.

I know that these battle's are not over. But I'm so much stronger now than I was, and that has to count for something. The next couple of years are going to be difficult and I will get stressed, however I'm better now. I can cope with more now, and I know my warning signs.

Also, tell someone if you're feeling how I did. Let someone, anyone, know. A problem shared is a problem halved. I confided in my friends and family who helped me in ways I can barely fathom at times. Even just the little things can help.

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

If you ever need a chat, please talk to me. I'm not a professional but I'll always try help in any way I can. I'll leave a link to my Twitter and you can DM me for my email address or whatever suits. But if you need a professional, GO to one. It seems like the worst idea when you go at first, but when you look back, it'a good decision. 

Playlist for this blog

 Kodaline ~All I Want

 Kodaline ~Lose Your Mind
 Kodaline ~ Pray
 Kodaline ~ Perfect World
 Kodaline ~ All My Friends

 Kodaline ~ High Hopes

Yes, I listened to their EP. Check it out, it's amazing!

My Twitter https://twitter.com/AwkwardAveen
Grace's post about DCD:  http://daintysprinkles.blogspot.ie/2013/06/the-missing-pieces-1-in-nutshell.html

If you ever feel alone, there's always someone around (incl me)

Some quotes I would look at to remind of how I wanted my life to be. x