A Letter To My Ten Year Old Self..

Hey Everyone!

As you can tell by the title of this blog post, this is a letter to my ten year old self, basically if I could meet my ten year old self, I would offer myself this advice. So here goes!

Dear Aveen, (Aoibhainne, long story okay)

Well, this is weird. You thought of this idea in work and thought it would be a cool thought. At this moment, it’s nearing the end of summer 2014. Which in all honesty was a pretty good summer for you. The Gaeltacht, a summer job, blogging and just, living. Living and breathing happily with no anxiety or worry building in your stomach is quite a good thing. I think going back to your time it’s a completely different scenario filled with the things I hate now.

Age ten, being told you have your whole life ahead of you (which is true) but feeling stuck in a never ending spiral of hate, tears and questions. The year you got your first mobile phone, the purple one with the pretty design. You were also in Fourth Class, the year you started writing in your diary about what everyone in school was doing to you. I still have that diary in my room despite not writing in it for nearly seven years. It’s painful to read whenever I muster up the courage to, but you’re stronger now for going through it all.

At the moment life is really good. I’m nervous for starting Sixth Year, a time you never thought would ever come. It always felt like you would never escape that gravelly yard with the ‘gold stones’ which you all collected in the pencil sharpener.  Even then you were so determined to do well in the Entrance Exam for secondary school. To get away from all those awful girls was one of your main plans for years. Good news is that you do get away from the majority of them which makes you content for a while. A word of advice, those who you trust most mightn’t share the same trust and respect for you. The people you thought you could trust most, will try drag you down past their low level but all you can do is keep your head held high and ignore all their online taunts and be a bigger better person with the moral high ground.

Please don’t be ashamed of my actions. When the flashbacks start when you’re older, don’t ignore them. Please. Do something about it and go see someone earlier than I should have. When the darkness starts following you in the inescapable maze, fight it and fight it hard. There’s so many more happy times to follow, not just for you age ten but for me, a month off eighteen. Remember that ‘’Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, but only if one can remember to turn on the light’’ You read it in The Goblet Of Fire aged seven remember?

You’ll get glasses in another year. It seems so horrible at first, these grotesque awkward things on your face but when you have good vision wearing them you won’t complain for long. Your chubby cheeks will disappear in a few years. They might start calling you ‘’Four eyes’’ and countless other insults but trust me, you’ve something they don’t, imagination, motivation and a hell of a lot of determination. I can say this enough, It Gets Better, I promise. Just hold tight, something that seems impossible when you’re desperately hiding your tear stained cheeks and red eyes from the teachers and those awful girls every day in that horrible playground.

At the moment in 2014 you have a much better life. You feel happy, you remember what a smile is and you know how to produce one on your own face with one dimple on your right cheek. You still have glasses but they’re actually kind of cool. You have a blog that’s been nominated for awards and people actually email you for advice on blogging and all sorts. Slightly weird thing to balance with studying Leaving Cert subjects at Honours level. Yes, even maths! The reason you were so awful at maths in 4^th class is because you couldn’t actually SEE the board, despite your arguments that you could. You actually love school now, you always loved learning but even more so now with teachers that have faith in you and know you are so determined to do well and become a primary school teacher. Yes, STILL you want to be a primary school teacher even though your experience of the place was so horrific.

However, maybe that’s why. To stop any other innocent child from having to cope with so many horrible bullies, self-doubt, self-loathing and general atrocities that you did. I’m not saying the next few years will be easy, they won’t be I can promise that. But, they will help you develop into a more confident girl, still striving for perfection in your school work and with that same hard work ethic and determination that the ten year old girl with tear stained cheeks attempted to strive for.

Keep Strong.

Aveen. (It’s only Aoibhainne in school now, yay!) 

People Throw Rocks At Things That Shine..

Hey Everyone!

Hope you're all feeling amazingly wonderful, a contrast to me at the moment! Don't worry, Fifth Year is just an exhausting year so far. I barely have any free time at the moment, ironic seeing as for the past year I've been incredibly bored. I think it's better this way, so busy I can't dwell on past experiences as much, I very much live in the present and future now which I'm grateful for. So here's what I've been up to for the past couple of weeks!

I've mainly been doing school work (how interesting) and studying and homework. For the past couple of Friday's I've gone to Spleodar club after school. We speak Irish for a couple of hours and chat to other people in the school ''as Gaeilge'' it sounds like torture but it's actually so much fun and has really improved my Irish.

As you might know (Mar is eol duit!) my Irish isn't the best. I mean, I'm not fluent however, like everything, I give it my best effort, so I was little miffed and irritated in class during the week. We're studying a poem at the moment and discussing the various imagery and everything related to the poem, IN IRISH. I understand what the teacher says and one morning, the teacher asked me -in Irish- to talk about the poem in my own words, which I did to the best of capabilities. However, a person sitting across from me, in front of the teacher, decides to look at me and starts laughing and smirking at me as I was trying to explain the poem. I'm sorry, but I think you're a little old to be doing absolute rubbish like that. Others commented on what the person did, so it wasn't my imagination. To be honest, that's pretty low, and a little rich seeing as they missed the notes. Don't try make a mockery of others when you don't even know what's going on, it's irritating, hurtful and downright disrespectful. (Rant over)

Apart from that act of immaturity, everything else in my week went by fine. In Irish again (this class seems to be where all the gossip happens) We were discussing the verb, brath, to feel. My teacher begins to say it's like 'feels' or ''emotions'' My teacher said feels! I nearly freaked, and had danisnotonfire feels because of it. It was quite hilarious, in the midst of all the Irish, the teacher says ''Feels'' Highlight of the day.

Next week in school, a Holocaust survivor, Tomi Reichental is coming to talk to history students in my school. I attended his talk two years ago, I got the opportunity to meet him at the end and get a copy of his book signed too which was surreal.

Last Sunday I was also in Limerick aka the other side of the country! We were bringing my brother back to university, he's in Third year now. Wow, I remember him getting his Leaving Cert results, oops my Leaving Cert is in two years.

I haven't really been posting many photos on my blog for the past couple of weeks, as I felt I wasn't taking very many, as it turns out I've taken nearly 5 a week. How did that slip my mind?

With my cousin Owen, family banter and playing hide and seek! (I told him I was hiding in the attic, oops)

My new favourite album, definitely recommend it!

Perks of going across the country!

What can I say? I get scared easily.. especially by my own reflection!

Found another bottle with my name on it! (No more bottles have names on them anymore!)

Playlist for this blog post:

The Strypes album ''Snapshot'' it's so fresh, unique and different! 

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Have a brilliant week and I'll chat to you all soon!

If you want a chat, tweet me, email or leave a comment down BELOW! :) 

Aveen xx

Who Needs Vid-Con When You Have Amusements?!

Hey Everyone!

Another week has come and passed! So the title of this post is about Vid-Con and amusements! I was devastated that I wasn't going to Vid-Con, (I will probably never get to go there, perks of living in Ireland) I'd love to meet Dan Howell, Phil Lester, John & Hank Green, Charlie McDonnell, Zoella and lots more people someday as I adore them all and they are my idols! . Maybe I'll go in a few years, if I'm lucky.

So I wasn't up to very much this week, until the weekend! I was working for the majority of the week which I didn't mind. I was up at 4 am on Saturday for work later on however I finished early enough so I went for brunch with my friend Shannon who was working with me that morning. I then got a text from my friend Vivien asking to go to the amusements with her and Grace (aka DaintySprinkles) so I went and we had an amazing time. Now, I have an insane fear of heights so I wasn't able to go on the higher amusements so Grace and I took photos while Viv went on those amusements! (See below!)

Hopefully by the time I have written this, my video will have uploaded to YouTube, if you could subscribe to me I would really appreciate it, I am a little terrified uploading to YouTube, it's one of the biggest social media platforms on the internet. I love blogging as I can write down what's going on, whilst blogging you don't have to make eye-contact with a camera, you just type whatever is in your head..

My YouTube Video *gasps*

Please don't hate me haha. 

Also, in the video you will see a toy puppy on my right hand side! It's a branded cuddly toy I got in the supermarket on Friday whilst shopping with my Mam, it's so cute, my inner child screamed to have it! I have a feeling I won't be letting my little cousins near it when they visit. (Yes really)

So the weeks are quickening steadily now, I've three weeks left in my summer job then I'm back in school (once again, explained in the video!) Which I'm really going to miss but I'll be happy to be back in school and see all my friends again!

Taking selfies at the amusements with our popcorn and candy floss! (I asked for the SMALL candy floss if you're wondering!)

Grace eating her popcorn 

Attractively eating my candy floss.. 

Vivien on one of the amusements I was too scared to go on.. 

Flying without wings!

Goodbye Matt Smith, this has been me for several days...

Playlist for this blog post: Ps I put my songs on shuffle..

Muse ~ Uprising

The Band Perry ~ If I Die Young

The Wanted ~ Walks Like Rihanna (I don't even know, I heard it work and it's stuck in my head)

The Coronas ~ Heroes Or Ghosts

Muse ~ New Born

Panic! At The Disco ~ The Ballad Of Mona Lisa

So it was an interesting collab with Grace and we definitely had lots of fun, it was great craic and I'd definitely do another collab! 

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

Something I haven't quite told you all about..

Hey Everyone,

I have literally just read my friend Grace's latest blog post about DCD, and I became inspired to tell you all about me and issue's I have, (obviously not as serious as DCD, but they're issue's to me)

I like being honest with people, I can be a little too blunt with how I speak to others and particularly in what I write. (That's why some of my posts are edited after I post them!) So before I change my mind, I'd like to tell you some things about me you might not know. It's kind of like ''Write My Life'' instead of the ''Draw My Life'' on YouTube!

So I'm sixteen and live in Ireland. I like where I live, I'm a local and most of the older population recognise me instantly just by looking at my face (I look like my mother's side of the family, and they're well known among the locals) so I've no problem with people like that. It's the younger people, my generation, so to speak. I had a happy childhood, my family life was (and still is) good, I encountered problems when I went into the education system (like everyone says)

In Third Class, when I was eight/nine, (I went to an all-girls school, that's an important part of what I'm going to say/type) I can recall a sudden shift/change in how everyone perceived me. I don't know what caused it, it has plagued me for half my life as to why everyone suddenly changed their views and opinions about me almost simultaneously and practically at the same time. My peers became, in ways, quite cruel towards me and, in short, began bullying me. I won't go into details of the actions (mainly mental and psychological things, like most girls do, so I always felt that it was all in my head, it made me also believe I had the problems, that I was one who was wrong) but this lasted until I was nearly thirteen. Let that sink in. Yes, 5-6 years of practically constant  hurtful comments, screaming at me, drama, backstabbing and so much more. It's something that doesn't exactly help a person with a developing mind and being the typical insecure person.

Secondary school (High school for anyone in the US or wherever) was a little easier for me. My older brother was there with all his friends, they felt like a safety net for me. An ally. Someone older to help. The girls who bullied me in primary school mostly were in completely different classes to me. Which I was extremely grateful for. I've had several drama's during my years in secondary school, (and  I've two more years to go!) losing some friends (literally) and growing apart from some, which is to be expected in secondary school, I referred to it as ''Growing Pains'' as we all changed and matured (some quicker than others, some not at all)

In TY, last year, I had a lot of spare time in comparison to previous years. So I spent a large chunk of my time, reflecting on memories, previous experiences and just on my life in general. Then the flashbacks started happening. I'd put memories of primary school and some secondary school experiences at the back of brain during the previous years, hidden by world's of music, books, my slightly insane imagination and of course the internet. To hide the pain, to try forget. However as I had more spare time, they slowly crept back into the front of my brain, and, I couldn't handle it.

I was so upset over the memories of what had happened to me for so many years, I fell into a depressive state of mind. I knew there was something wrong, it wasn't right to think the way I was thinking (negatively) and presuming the worst was going to happen, always.

So, I went to see a Guidance Counsellor in my school, I visited her several times and spoke about my primary school experiences. It felt so much better to have the experiences out in the open. it was like a weight was lifted off me, the burden of so many years gone. It felt as though the scars inside me were finally healing.

In January, I cracked again. One morning, I just couldn't get up. I felt like the world was against me. (I still do sometimes, but then I try remember to think positively) I wrote a lot of poetry during this time, I went back to the Guidance Counsellor and it really helped in the long run. In the short term I thought it was the most stupid thing I could ever had done. But when I look at the difference in my diary entries from now, and from then. It's astounding how negative and depressed I was.

I'm flicking through my diary and see a poem called 'The Cracks' I wrote in January. In February I wrote that ''I know I'm broken into pieces. However that doesn't mean I can't be fixed'' In April I said '' I have my spark back. I know my cause/meaning of my existence and I crave to fulfil it. I do read over my diary entries and laugh. I presume many would expect me to be the average teen. However, I do not WANT to be like the others. I want to be Aveen. She's not perfect, but she's real. She makes mistakes, she's not pretty but she can be smart and kind-hearted, even to people who don't exactly deserve it.''

So how am I now? I'm actually okay. Everything is good at the moment, which I'm so grateful for. Writing this blog every single week helped me in ways you might not even imagine. It gave me a purpose during some tough months, knowing I wanted to do something interesting and tell you all about it. Doing things during TY that I might never be able to achieve again. So thank you dear readers. You really helped me through a tough time.

I know that these battle's are not over. But I'm so much stronger now than I was, and that has to count for something. The next couple of years are going to be difficult and I will get stressed, however I'm better now. I can cope with more now, and I know my warning signs.

Also, tell someone if you're feeling how I did. Let someone, anyone, know. A problem shared is a problem halved. I confided in my friends and family who helped me in ways I can barely fathom at times. Even just the little things can help.

Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,

Aveen xx

If you ever need a chat, please talk to me. I'm not a professional but I'll always try help in any way I can. I'll leave a link to my Twitter and you can DM me for my email address or whatever suits. But if you need a professional, GO to one. It seems like the worst idea when you go at first, but when you look back, it'a good decision. 

Playlist for this blog

 Kodaline ~All I Want

 Kodaline ~Lose Your Mind
 Kodaline ~ Pray
 Kodaline ~ Perfect World
 Kodaline ~ All My Friends

 Kodaline ~ High Hopes

Yes, I listened to their EP. Check it out, it's amazing!

My Twitter https://twitter.com/AwkwardAveen
Grace's post about DCD:  http://daintysprinkles.blogspot.ie/2013/06/the-missing-pieces-1-in-nutshell.html

If you ever feel alone, there's always someone around (incl me)

Some quotes I would look at to remind of how I wanted my life to be. x