Hesitation and uncertainty plague my mind, as I begin to slowly type my thoughts once more on the keyboard. The Blogger symbol lingers in the corner of my eye as I stare wistfully at the blank title space.
For a girl who used to blog every consecutive week without fail, planned blog posts up to a month in advance, this feels like home. Viewing my blog design which I created when I was seventeen. I recall being so proud of the design which I created by pouring hours of endless free time into a design app. Gazing at the design now, I can't help but feel like it was created by a different person.
Perhaps, I have been so focused on blogging in the way I used to. So determined to go back to 'the way things were, the way my blog was initially.' It has taken me two years to realise that I am not the same person I was when I first started this blog. When I first began writing under The Random Life of Aveen, I was sixteen years of age, bored and unsure of where life was leading me to. I had surplus and never-ending amounts of time to wonder and consider so many aspects of life. I was naive enough to type all my thoughts for the world to see.
Fast forward to 2016, and everything is irrevocably different. A sixteen year old girl grew into a near 21 year old; a second year finished in college, pursuing the course I dreamt of since childhood. In ways such as this, the dreams and hopes of The Random Life of Aveen are very much completed. Endless blog posts from 2013-2015 detail my determination to get to where I am now.
And now, I actually am where I want to be. I tried getting back into blogging this time last year yet I was stuck at a series of crossroads. With so many decisions to take, based on quite awful events that happened to me in the space of a few weeks.
This time last year, I had finished my first year in college, unsure of who my friends were there, betrayed by people who I thought were kind. I also became quite sick both during my exams and after my exams. I was in so much shock I never discussed this illness on my blog. Even now, the trip to A&E and endless appointments for dressings seem like a vague blur. Yet the biggest blow was the death of my Nana, my last living grandparent, who passed away at the same time I became ill.
I persevered through the summer of 2016, trying to meet up with my friends and worked my summer job. I was going through the motions, but my head and soul wasn't really there. It was spinning and reeling from those consecutive events which hurt me physically and emotionally.
Returning to college in September, I was unsure of most things in my life. However, I was lucky enough to meet a lovely bunch of girls who let me into their social group and I became one of them. My second year in college was undoubtedly much better than my first. I knew who would be my friend - and those who wouldn't. I regained the confidence I had lost.
To have genuine reasons for smiling - for the first time in months, was utterly spectacular. There were bumps in the road but I managed to get through them. The year was a blur, a myriad and collection of fun, happiness, comfort and excitement.
This all brings me to now, the present day. The end of May 2017. I'm free for the summer to enjoy my time off college. I'm back to my summer job and I can't help but feel relieved that this summer is shaping up to be far better than the last.
With events such as finally applying for my provisional driving licence, (something which I had to delay due to illness last year), going to gigs and concerts such as Keith Barry, Green Day, Indiependence and family events - I can't help but feel excitement, joy and optimism for the upcoming months.
My mind is nearing peace, with concrete plans and no limits. I'm excited and looking forward to the summer months ahead of me, which I hope to write about on the Random Life of Aveen.
Life changes and I must readily accept that this blog changes as my life does too.