I feel imprisoned. As I breathe, I sense my creativity evaporating into the dark, cloudless sky to be replaced with fear and rote-learned paragraphs. I am shackled down by the pressure I place on myself. Going further than expected and going the Extra Mile - every time is both rewarding, yet, exhausting. I know I will value this ethic I posses in the weeks to come. However at this moment in time, it seems to be the source of my difficulties.
I have not written an honest thought in weeks. I can feel my emotions, thoughts and ideas seeping into other areas of both my conscious and sub-conscious mind. I fear that this may have a detrimental impact.
I am becoming quote conscious of my private life - and the fact that I like to keep some parts of my life as an enigma or little mystery. Many now believe that due to the fact that I write openly on this blog, my private life should become intertwined with a concoction of deceitful lies and their own inadequacies splashed across the classroom walls.
Due to receiving somewhat decent test results as of late, my name and reputation was blackened. More than ever I have become determined to prove others wrong. You know my name, not my story. Little do you know, I have a history of proving others wrong about their ill-based assumptions.
These feelings of keeping my life and its mundane details private and close to my chest has prevented me from concentrating my efforts into crafting a substantial blog post. With everything, I feel that the closure I crave will inevitably come from the therapeutic effect of formulating my thoughts onto a page. Typing directly from my mind to the keyboard feels cold, unplanned and insincere at times. The warmth of my pen resting in my left hand as it swirls across endless pages of white, is a beauty like no other in my eyes.
These feelings of anxiety will undoubtedly take time to fade. Yet I hold the strong belief that the feelings of inadequacy will recede in due course, as usual. I know that what has happened will make me a stronger person who will use their voice even more to call out anyone who hinders my progress to becoming a better person and my goals, both academically and emotionally. It was their own flaws and feelings of jealousy which they allowed seep from their mind to someone else's mouth.
I found a lyric. ''And I still feel that rush in my veins'' I can feel that rush of adrenaline and fear. It hasn't evaporated yet. In the future it will be a rush of adrenaline and elation. I inhale. Positivity and knowledge fuels my mind. Exhale. Negativity and memories of fear leave my system and float away in the dark, star-filled night.
My usual blogging schedule should resume after the past few hectic weeks.
Stay Strong, Happy and Fearless,
Never let anyone try make you feel inadequate - It's their problem. Not yours.
*Lyric The Kids Aren't Alright - Fall Out Boy